On Blitzen!

 

So we now have cat. I think he is more Casey's cat than anything, those two are pretty much best buds. We've named him Blitzen for a few reasons but mostly it fits him. He has a good temperment and hasn't had any accidents or doesn't seem inclined to claw at stuff he shouldn't. He's a really good boy.
The only things is, and with time this will change, he's so scared and confused right now he is taking a while to adjust to the new surroundings. But we didn't expect him to love it here right away. After some time he will come to realize this is his home too and we just want to love and care for him.
This is one of the few pictures I got of him not hiding in his hole. He's been coming out more and more to explore but he's a quick one! So it's hard to snap a shot, but anyway, here's his cute face!
H.

Finals, Moving, Cat, and Work

So the next week coming up is going to be insane! It's our last real week of classes which means that it truly is crunch time. I know I've been saying that for weeks but now its really here! Each class is trying to wrap up as much stuff as they possibly can in these few days before our tests next week and it's more than stressful. I don't handle stress easily anyway but this is nuts! We are also moving this week! Yikes! I promise to get our new address out to those who want it asap but for now I'd say just send stuff to our work address if you need to mail something. I'm so excited to move. our friends who live(d) there we helped move yesterday and I felt so snoopy! I kept looking around and trying to picture where we would put things or where I would hang up pictures. They didn't seem to mind. Their new place is awesome, but I gotta say that the place they are leaving is pretty great too! It has even more room than I remembered from the first time I saw it. The sad part though is the big beautiful couch my mother in law was going to give us cannot fit. Not that the living room isn't big enough or the doorways to narrow, but there is a 90 degree angle to get it into the door and not enough space to swing the massive couch around and fit it. Linda said she would look and see if there was a way. She's really good at that. I'm hopeful, but Casey is skeptical.
We also got a cat. He's a year old male, neutered, with all his shots and a chip. We found him free to a good home in the paper because he old owners had to leave him with their parents and move to a place that didn't allow pets. We went and met him and he is huge and black with green eyes. We've decided to call him Blitzen. It fits with the season and Casey and I formed an inside joke about his electric green eyes. Blitz in German means lightning so we are complete dorks. Anyway, I'm excited to expand our family unit a bit more.
Work work work.....Good points....getting plenty of hours to save up money...bad points, busiest season of the year and I've had to forgo some very fun activities because I've been working odd hours. I'd been planning to go shopping with my sister-in-law but that couldn't happen, and I wanted to go on a trip to visit my other sister-in-law but there's not much of a chance of that happening. I really hope I get to do SOME of the fun things I had planned this month. I still have so much to do. I have goodies to make and deliver, I have some crafts I HAVE to finish before Christmas!!!! There aren't enough hours in the day.
I'm sure I'm not the only person feeling the end of the year crush. I'm sure I'll get through it just fine.(Although being a stress eater around all these goodies is really bad for my diet!) But that's why we keep on keeping on! :0)

Birthday Bananza!

Let me just start with, my husband is awesome! All day on my birthday he spoiled me like crazy! Cooked me breakfast, refused to let me help clean up, and gave me some very cute, sweet, and needful gifts for my birthday. Then it was his turn and I hope I sufficiently spoiled him as well. I also made him breakfast and for dinner we went out to eat with a gift card that someone gave him as a gift, (which really when I think about it was more of a gift to me because I didn't have to cook!)
With our birthdays being only a day apart sometimes its a little nutso during the last week of November. But I honestly love it! Even when he teases me on my birthday that I'm technically 2 years older than him, (by number only) and calls me a cougar for marrying a younger man, I still like it. We don't mean to but we usually combine our days into two longs happy birthdays which is kind of nice. We each get spoiled a little longer.
Thanksgiving was great as well this year! I wish my parents didn't live so far away but we went to my in-laws and my grandparents came over and I think it was a really fun mellow night. We're a very laid back clan and that's how we like it.
I am a little surprised because it feels like my birthday and Thanksgiving were ages ago when really it was just a few days. Hello December! Wowsa! And then it will be a new year! It's so exciting! This December will bring a few very needed changes into our lives. I'm so excited to move, even if it is right before my finals! The new place will be wonderful and what's even better is my parents are coming up for Christmas this year! And for the first time we'll have the space for them to stay with us. Usually they stay with my gram and that's fine but sometimes it's nice to play hostess every once and a while too. I'm even more grateful that they are able to come up because my father had a bit of a health scare a little while ago and I hate not being able to do anything because I live so far away. I wish there was a happy medium. I miss my family so much and although I love my in-laws like no other it's still sad to me when those things happen and I'm way out here. I wish we all could live in the same place but that's just not going to happen. lol Oh well, hazards of being an adult I suppose.
Our final weeks of school are going to got well I think. How is it almost over? I feel like I've barely started school and already I need to be tested on everything I learned this semester. It's a bit intimidating. I will be happen for a break where I will just work and spend time doing Christmas things.
Well speaking of work, I have a paper that just refuses to write itself and so I need to get on that. Love to all!
H.

First Snow!!!

 

Today started out looking a bit gray and very wet. Rain is so fun in November right? But by this evening big fluffy white happy flakes of snow were falling everywhere! It's so pretty!
It has gotten me excited about the upcoming holidays and all the memories that we are going to make. We are finally moving into a bigger apartment in December, we are getting a kitten and our first semester of school will be over! It's a very exciting time.
We have also pressed forward some more with medical tests. It looks like it all on ol Heather here that we can't have children. It's bittersweet. It's good to know Casey is healthy and well, but also very sad to know that my body is the reason we are still a twosome. That's one of the reasons we are getting a cat. I wish we could have Jack but he's so happy where he is, and although our new landlord allows pets, he only wants indoor pets because the mess in the yard is to much of a hassle. And if one person does it, he has to allow everyone. It's very understandable. When we go to pay our rent and sign our official lease, (we signed a temporary one with our deposit this month to hold the apartment) we will also get his written permission to get a kitten.
As Casey put it, we are past the point of WANTING something to raise and nurture, we NEED it! Maybe that's sick and twisted to some, and believe me we have no intention of calling ourselves "mommy or daddy" to a cat, but there's a big void there and if we can lessen it with a family pet then we will.
I love the snow. I love watching it fall and seeing the earth coated in white. It feels so fresh and new. Rain washes things but snow coats it. I miss living in a place that got a lot of snow. But I'm sure I would find something to complain about then too. Haha
School is good still. I can't believe how fast everything is wrapping up. I just took my last chapter test on Friday for math, and soon it will be the semester final. All the rest of our days are quizzes and reviews. I have one more test in Spanish before my final, and now I'm working on my final paper for English. Fun fun fun. It's going to be a busy week this week with work and Thanksgiving but it should be fun to get away from the classrooms for a while.
This year I was going to host Thanksgiving with my grandparents but things got switched around a bit for the better. We are all going over to my in-laws house to have dinner there. It should be fun. We did that last year and it was nice.
In any case I'm excited. Oh green bean casserole how I love you!
Then after that comes our birthdays more school and December. I can't believe I'm going to be 27! That's crazy! But in a way a little exciting. I've grown up a lot in the last few years, and I'm excited to keep the trend going.
Well to all who may read this have a very Happy Thanksgiving! See you later!
H

Picture Taking Fool

By now if those who may read my blog might be thinking "sheesh! enough with the crazy pictures already!!!" but I don't have a lot going on in my life to blog about and I'm trying to practice so the result is a crazy bombardment of pictures on here. Hope nobody minds. :0)
So this is our buddy boy Jack! Wow he's grown so much! He was playing in the leaves with me and I was able to grab the camera to take a few pictures. For some reason he's very camera shy. He likes to turn his head a lot so I gotta say these pictures weren't easy to get! lol I love this boy so much. I'm sad he's no longer our dog but he's in such a happy home with the other puppies that my in-laws have, so I'm happy for him.

 

 

 

L is for the way you "Look" at me...

I've been trying to play around with pictures more and more and although I know it's not original I've been wanting to try to do this for a while. Casey has great hands so he was my hand model. We used a light-board at work and then I just played around with my photo editing stuff. I really like how it turned out. Like I said, I know it's not original, you can find images like this all over the internet but I just wanted to try it. It was a lot of fun. :0)

 

My Sepia Love Affair

I used to be all about the black and white pictures but I gotta say I LOVE sepia nowadays! I hope my sister in law Shan doesn't mind that I'm posting 4 of my favorite pictures from out little photo shoot the other day. I just wanted to show off my beautiful nieces and my amazing extended family! Shan you just have to wonderful of a family to not show off. There were more to choose from but like I said these were my fav and I hope I don't get into to much trouble. lol If so I guess I can always take them off later right?

 

 

 

 

Tucker Pictures

My sister in law let me practice a few pictures on her beautiful boy Tucker. These were done really quickly because it was almost time for him to eat and he was really squirmy. Hahaha. Love my nephew of so much!

 

 

 

 

el 9 de noviembre

Wow just like all the other months November is just a flying by! But I'm excited. This year I'm hosting Thanksgiving with my grandfolks and then I can celebrate with my wonderful hubby our birthdays! November is a crazy busy month for everyone in the Blamires world. Birthdays galore! School! Thanksgiving! And work is insane because of the holiday orders! And of course WE are gearing up for Christmas. Our tradition is not to do anything Christmasy until after our birthdays but sometimes it's hard not to want to jump the gun. Yesterday I went over to my sis in laws how and my niece had been watching Frosty the Snowman and I was like, OHHHHH I need to bust out my holiday movies! I can totally justify Frosty...he's not Christmas, he's winterish....There's some gray area there right? hahaha
School has been going really well for both Casey and myself. I only hate one class and I'd say that's not to bad. Soon it will be over with and I can walk away forever thank goodness! Casey is such a sponge when it comes to school. I don't know how he can so easily keep track of all those facts and figures but he's loving it and I'm so proud of him.
The colors here in the valley have been gorgeous too! It makes me want to get out my camera and go nuts. I'm taking a few family pictures for loved ones today and I'm a bit nervous because I want them to turn out really nice but I'm also very excited. For one, it's flattering when people ask you to do that, and two I enjoy it so much. I would like to get some new pictures of Casey and I someday. It seems that all our pictures together are a few years old. We said we would do pictures in the spring but I wish it was now. The fall is a favorite time of year for both of us. Maybe we'll postpone real family portraits until next fall. But we should at least try to take some new ones soon! It's getting sad. Not sure what we'll end up doing.
I've decided to cut back on my Christmas cards big time this year so there's no reason to immediately take pictures. Last year I went nuts and lets just say in the end it wasn't really worth it. Most people don't correspond that way anymore I guess. So just dear family and friends. It gets to expensive otherwise.
Well I suppose. Housework is calling, so's a paper, and an agenda for a meeting tonight.
H.

Where is the year going?

 

It seems that most of my posts (haha rhyme) lately have been about how time is flying by but really it is. I was looking at the calender today and realized that soon it will be November. We only have 12 more days left in October and as busy as things are those are just going to shwoop by us in a puff.
I know of quite a few people who get agitated to see Christmas decorations and gifts in the stores already. They're line is "there are two more holidays before Christmas!" I used to be one of them. Until I discovered that it's easier for me to shop and wrap and do all those extra holiday things well before December. Most people haven't even concidered holiday shopping yet and I'm pushing to finish mine. I'm not saying that's the better way to do it, that's just how I am. I want to enjoy my Christmas holiday. I want to bake and decorate, and look at lights. I want to window shop at the stores and hear carolers. What I don't like to do is press my luck to find a gift for a person at the last minute and then stress out only to settle on a generic thing because I couldn't find, or couldn't afford something better. We have a few traditions growing in our household. I like the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season, but not the stress. And don't get me wrong. There are a few things I can't do until December rolls around!
I still greatly enjoy the coming holidays of Halloween and Thanksgiving though. Just because I'm getting stuff ready for Christmas doesn't mean that I've forgotton to set out a few pumpkin decorations and buy candy. :0)
Sorry to go on a tangent. Back to my original point. Where is this year going? I'm going to be 27 in a little over a month. I've almost been married for 4 years. (4 amazing years!) I'm happy with the way things are going I just wish there was more time in the day to enjoy those things more. Does anyone else feel this way? How do we change things to make the good moments last longer?

The Secrets in the Sauce

I haven't had a lot of time to post anything lately. Who does really? This time of year seems to set everyone into overdrive. So far school is going really well for both Casey and myself. Casey seems to be excelling in all his classes. I'm so very proud of my fella. He's working so hard and is so deserving of the good grades he's been getting. I'm also hanging in there pretty well. Studying has never been easy for me but it helps to have such a motivated husband too! :0)
As we've been working and surviving our new academic lives we've also been considering what we may want to have as careers. The problem is we are both interested in so many different things. Casey is loving programming, but also loves web development, graphic design, and anything else that has to do with computers. I really like my classes and I still feel great about going into social work but I would be lying if I said I didn't still dream a bit about owning a bakery and doing specialty cakes. Recently at church I was asked if I might be interested in doing a wedding cake in February. I'll admit I didn't jump at the chance, but I did set up an appointment so that they could see the cakes I've made in the past and make an informed decision. My Grandmother says I need to sell myself more but honestly I don't feel comfortable charging people when I haven't gone to school or had any formal training. I would love to go to school and really see if I have the chops for it. As stressful as some cakes are I really do enjoy creating something. But then again I tell myself, maybe it's just a nice outlet hobby. Like photography. I'll never be a great photographer but I can still enjoy it and try to learn more. Maybe I can moonlight as a cake decorator. Haha. Who knows.
The most recent cake I made was for my brother in laws birthday. His wife wanted kind of a Halloween theme because his birthday is so close to it. I wasn't able to do everything that we had planned out but I was happy with the result. It was so much fun. I felt very inventive and honestly I needed a little pick me up. In school I've been studying the Holocaust and believe me, that is not a happy thing to analyze and write about. I needed something fluffy, sweet, and cute to do. It was the perfect distraction.
Well that's about all I have for now. It's getting late and have another Spanish test in the morning followed by a long day of screen printing. :0) Goodnight everyone!

update

So I haven't been super diligent in exercising yet, but I have managed to lose a few pounds steadily by watching what I put in my mouth. I have rarely given in to my usual indulgences and I'm very happy to say I'm close to breaking down into the next level of numbers. That makes me very happy. I realize that it isn't very spectacular what I've accomplished but I feel good about myself. And honestly losing those first few pounds has given me greater incentive to keep going. I'm no longer allowing myself excuses or pity parties. This is my body and I'm taking charge.
I had a few days that set me back a bit. Honestly the number would have been higher had it not been for a few very stress filled days. I am a stress eater like you wouldn't imagine! It's almost disturbing. But I am finding different ways to cope with the onslaught life likes to throw our way. I will continue to grow as a person, and shrink in size.
I know this post is very late. I was supposed to update about 2 weeks ago but as the above stated life got pretty hectic. I will work on being more diligent in posting. Not because you all are so thrilled at reading about my weight loss goal but because it DOES give me some accountability to know I will be posting this for my friends and who knows who else to read. It would be slightly embarrassing if I was suddenly like, "welp, gave up. to hard, I've decided to stay unhealthy." then loved ones would be like "no you can do it! keep it up!" and I'd feel guilty and ashamed. Haha. So I guess I will just post it from the get go.
Love to all!

Winds of Change

 

I can't believe it's already the middle of September. School is pushing forward like a bulldozer and if you can't keep up you'll be squished! Any day now my nephew will arrive, and already you can smell the cold just barely touching the air in the morning, hinting fall and winter are on their way.
So poetic eh?
Seriously though, I LOVE this time of year. I love when the leaves are starting to change, I love the anticipation of something different about to happen. Some people have told me that the fall reminds them of death. But to me it's always represented a beautiful change. Not only because physically the world turns into a pallet of bright reds, yellows, orange, or that the air smells like pencils and football, but because for many years this time of year has brought a significant change to my life. This was the time of year I went to basic training, the time of year I attempted college and met some of my best friends, the time of year I would start a new play in school, or when I moved to Lewiston and met a oh so cute, gangly, sweet fella that it took no time at all to fall for.
This years big change is the obvious. I have gone back to school. But honestly it feels like more. Because of medical reasons Casey and I are even more committed to adoption and we are pushing forward as best we can with our attempts to save money and better ourselves. I know Casey will make an amazing father. And although I worry about my mothering ability I also get comfort from the spirit that by listening and learning and just LOVING my child, things will work out for the best. I am so thrilled and excited at the prospect that in the next year or so we will be in a place that maybe a selfless young woman will place the child of her body in our care. I am joyous beyond reason and it hasn't even gotten close to that point yet.
I understand miracles happen. That those who have been told by doctors they will never have children get pregnant and become parents through that blessing. But honestly I don't feel that is our path right now. Maybe someday my body will work and together through our love Casey and I will become parents, but as I watch him attempt to play and grow closer to his nieces (and soon his nephew) I know that if we are diligent now, and continue to grow and progress, it wont be long before we too can bring a child into our home and be called parents. I know this will happen.
As I feel the bite in the clear air this feeling overcomes me. It is pure joy because I am reminded that change always comes. We are not forever placed in one spot. We constantly evolve and grow and learn if we choose to do so. How beautiful and exciting it is that our loving Heavenly Father puts us in a position to progress. I'm not saying others don't progress if they don't have infertility problems, they do!!! I've watched loved ones grow and learn so quickly and I my heart swells for them and their lives, but I think Heavenly Father may have gave us this challenge to further our reliance on Him and His plan. Our bodies are so very mortal and at times it's difficult to make our spirits match them when we know of our eternal potential, but at the same time thank goodness we have these bodies and can appreciate their capacity a bit better. As broken as they may be at times they can also do so many wonderful things. I am so thankful for that.
I didn't mean for this post to be another soap box speech about infertility. Honestly when I started I was thinking how much I love this time of year and how it always gives me hope. It's the transition into the holidays as well as the memories that fill my mind that make it so wonderful to me. I'm sorry if all I ever post about is my issues but I do want to state that there are moments when the self pity passes and I get a glimpse of what our future holds and it fills my heart with light. :0)
Love,
Heather

Health & Wellness

This past week my body has decided to cause me a great amount of pain. The medication I have for managing said pain wont actually work for another month or so when my system finally decides to work with it. Until then I've been thinking to myself..."self, this is no way to live."
I'm a vain person by nature. I'll admit it. I'm not fond of the tire that's wrapped itself around my middle, or the fact that my pants are a bit snug for my taste, but so far that vanity hasn't really set me into a pattern of taking care of myself. I have a weight line that I refuse to go over but I have to wonder if that's doing me any good if I'm on the cusp?
Now I'm not on here to whine about my large bottom. I know why it's there. I've been lazy and quite frankly amiss in taking care of myself. I stress eat like a mad woman and I often feel so run down after work/school that I simply want to take it easy and do nothing. (Crazy thing is, if I started exercising I would have more energy.)
This week has been sort of a wake up call. Although I know that losing some weight wont fix much about my endometriosis, I do know that my overall health would be better and I would be able to cope with the pain that comes with my condition easier. I would also have more energy, have a good outlet for my stress (other than eating) and although I may not lose the 50 pounds my head seems to think I should, my self esteem would increase and I would overall be a happier person. I also have this great fear of developing diabetes or several other conditions that run in my family that have to do with the heart. I worry about that a lot.
So it's time for me to take control. I've enlisted the help of my brother in law Nathan, (who was in SEALS training might I add, he's a mad man when it comes to fitness! he's pretty amazing!) Although I don't think I will EVER be at his level he said he would help me figure out a routine I could stick with and would be of a short duration each day so it would be easy to fit into my schedule. The whole thing just depends on how bad I want it. 45 minutes doesn't seem like a long time, it's barely longer than a tv show, but for some reason when it comes to exercising my brain goes, ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?! THAT'S FOREVER!!! haha. So I have to make the commitment and do it. I have to push through and say, you know, at 7:00 tonight I'm done with my homework and all that, it's time to go work out.
I'm excited at this new goal. Although I'm a bit nervous because I've never been good at sticking with things. I don't have a weight loss goal, (I'm sure my dusty wiifit would be sad at me for that) I simply want to feel better and I know that with watching what I eat and doing more with my body that eventually I will lose a few pounds.
As an embarrassing attempt to keep myself in check I will post my current weight and update it every two weeks. It's not comfortable to share and I'm not trying to make anyone else roll their eyes, but I somehow NEED to be accountable that I am actually doing a program and working on my overall health. (overall includes spiritually, and mentally as well...) :0)
So on this date my current weight is: 173.4 lbs

Now I know that the number doesn't mean much. Muscle weighs more than fat so on so forth but this is simple measurement I can do every two weeks that will keep me in line. I also know that by simply doing a crash diet i can lose about 10 pounds and oh wow wouldn't that be awesome, but the goal here is not really to lose weight (although that may happen) the goal is to get healthy. I just don't think it would work for me to post what each workout was and all that to prove I'm doing it. But I'm sure with updates on the scale number as well as posting about how my general health is that will be a good indication that I am doing some kind of routine.
So until my next Health & Wellness post on September 19th see you all later!

*some of my goals and ideas came from this article
http://www.thirdage.com/cholesterol/25-ways-to-make-exercise-routine
:0)

Eternal Buddies

 

This past week has been the first week back to school for both Casey and myself. I have to say it's been an interesting experience thus far. I wasn't sure how we were each going to handle the pressures that might be flung our way, and although it's only been a week, believe me there are plenty.
I'm sitting here right now grateful that my homework is over and watching my dear husband work on his calculus. He's hating it right now, but I'm trying to be supportive whenever he gets an answer correct. We've been doing that for each other each day. I have no doubt we will keep it up through the semester.
Our house is a disaster, we are both stressed and tired, and yet I have to say I'm more happy now that I think a person should be allowed. I love my husband so much. He truly is my rock and my support. Even when he is at his limit he finds it in himself to help me. I don't know how he does it but I'm grateful for it and I can only hope I return the favor often.
I am excited for our future. In the past it has overwhelmed me and has been a great cause of worry, but now I just feel joy in the anticipation of things to come. I am so grateful I have this amazing man at my side for eternity to go through it with me. I am grateful we have the same goals and expectations. I am also grateful we differ on many things. Just enough to keep things interesting. If there is one person I would be happy to spend each moment with it would be Casey. He's just that amazing.
I'm told he thinks I'm pretty amazing too....lol Not sure about that but for his sake I wont dispute it.
I just know he's going to be a wonderful father someday. I'm excited at the prospect of him playing with, counceling, teaching, loving and helping our children grow.
Not sure why I felt the need to write so much mushy stuff about my spouse tonight. Maybe watching him work so hard inspired me, or maybe I just feel like I don't express it enough how much I love him. In any case, that's how I'm feeling right now about my man. Night. :0)

School Daze/Days?

 

Once upon a time I attempted to go to college for all the wrong reasons. To get out of my parents house, to start over somewhere new, to be around a current boyfriend. The whole education thing was pretty much lost on me. But now I have my second chance. Starting tomorrow I will attend and earn credit for my first class at Lewis-Clark State College. I cannot tell you how thrilled and excited I am, even if I have to do research writing and math this semester. I have a different and more appriciative outlook on gaining an education. I want so badly to improve as a person, to leave the world a better place than when I came into it. I want to know that I am a good member of society as well as a contributing one.

I have never really pushed myself before academically. I kind of just took this as they came and gave a half hearted attempt at passing. I know it frustrated my parents to no end. They are pleased with my new outlook on school but I think a bit wary. To often I have done a song and dance of wanting to do something and never following through.

But this time I will! I know it wont be easy. Heck I'm more than likely going to hate it sometimes with a passion but it's something I need with all my heart to do for myself. And so, as intimidating as it may be I will face it head on and work hard at my happy outcome. :0)

The Best Time Of The Day

 

I have never been a morning person. It's not natural to me to wake up bright and shiny ready and rearing to go. In fact I set my alarm about 40 minutes before I have to leave because I'm prone to hitting the snooze serveral times. Where I don't drink coffee or have any of those perks in the morning, my day generally starts with a foggy head. I read once that eating an apple and drinking water will wake you up better than coffee, but the last thing I want when I wake up is food or liquid. It churns my stomach, always has. Anyway, I only live about a mile from work and since I started at Artbeat in May I've done my best to get a good nights rest so I can wake up in time to walk to work. Mind you this doesn't happen everyday but at least a couple days a week I trek my happy bum out to the bright and busy world.
As much as I mumble and grumble inside my house the instant I open my door to begin my walk, this burst of fresh air hits me and pow I'm good to go. That doesn't mean I'm not tired about an hour into work when I'm standing next to a very warm dryer and doing the same movements over and over again. But for that first 20 minutes of my day I feel energized and refreshed. I wish I could hang on to that feeling. So much of our lives consist of activities that drag us down or make us feel heavy with stress.
I notice a lot of little things in the morning. The squish of the wet grass, the slap of my feet on the sidewalk, the same two elderly people walking the same two poodles everyday. It's not that I mean to overlook these (for the most part) unimportant events of the day, but it's nice to have that time set aside to reflect a little bit. It's my me time I suppose. I don't think about my messy house, or my work day ahead of me, or the mile long list of errands I make each day. It's my time to breathe and I love it.
I hope all of you find your time of day to just breathe. It's pretty awesome. :0)
love
H.

Red Lodge Montana

This past week we were able to meet my family (almost) halfway in a small town called Red Lodge for a bike rally. It's what my folks are into, and as long as it doesn't get to crude or crazy we have quite a bit of fun at those things too. We've been to Sturgis with them in the past and although we had a good time I have to say I prefer the mellow Red Lodge feel as opposed to the "let's live up to the crazy fame of Sturgis" vibe. We were only there a few days and honestly I didn't really take many pictures but I thought I'd post a few of my family that I liked. And just so ya know, no my parents don't just play dress up for these things, that's them 24/7. They love that rough and rumble life of a hardworking, hard playing kind of people. I love them all the more for it, even if I don't always fit in. We also celebrated my Dad's 50th Birthday early since we had quite a few of the gang up there as it was. I miss them already but reality always calls us home to soon!
Case & Me upon arriving...10 hour drive gets a bit tiring...

My older brother Matthew looking very pensive. Hahaha

My Father LeRoy in all his biker glory! I always think he looks a bit like a viking too.

A picture of my Mom Coke & me that I really like. She looks so pretty! It's hard to catch her in a moment like this!

My mom on HER bike with the side car.

Basement Apartment Blessings

 

Today got blazing hot! Most banks had numbers from 98-100 degrees! July if finally here people! I'm happy to finally have the heat with one exception, it makes me feel so icky! A great blessing however is the fact that currently we reside in a basment apartment and that keeps us very cool. Sometimes downright cold! I'm not kidding, I often have to wear my robe or a sweater down here.
I went apartment hunting today with my sister in law to see if we could find something reasonably price with a bit more space. It's pretty slim pickings however out there so with a sigh I went home today only to discover a wonderful cool wall of air as soon as I walked in. I have a greater appriciation for this place. Although we've outgrown it heavily it's comfortable and right for us at this time. Someday we'll have more space but for the time being I'm honestly quite happy with where we live.
Just an update from my last posts real quick and I'll go. Things have been looking more up lately. I've been working hard at a change of attitude and a change of heart. I'm so sorry for soundng so negative before. I truly have a blessed and wonderful life. I couldn't ask for more!
Love to you all!
H.

Shades of Grey

 

I've always been the type to get into a series. Books, shows, movies, ect. I can remember back when I was first reading bigger books I fell in love with the author James Howe. He wrote this funny, adorable books based around a vampire rabbit named Bunnicula. I LOVED them! I graduated to Anne of Green Gables, and my love of a good series just grew more and more. Harry Potter, Twilight, you name them I've read them. I just can't help but fall in love with the characters and their potential. I feel their losses, joys, humorous moments. I try to share anything and everything. However when my husband asked me to watch Avatar: The Last Airbender, I balked. It was a cartoon not a book, it was oriented twards a very young group, and it was only three seasons long so how good could it be? I must say though, after a few episodes I was hooked. I love the story of the Avatar, his funny friends, their trials. I love the adorable animals and thier crazy antics. I couldn't be more excited for the live action version.
Tonight we went to the movie with another couple who is just as in love with the Airbender as we are. We sat, watched, waited, and finally were able to comment to each other during the credits everything that was wrong with the movie. This was off, or that was WAY off. But you know, even with all the "wrong" things, I still loved it. The storys heart was the same. And that's what mattered to me.
I think I may just be a kid at heart because honestly more often than not I like to slip away into a childish fantasy world, rather than a thought provoking adult one. They aren't as dissimilar as one might think, the only real difference is in a childs world things are a bit more black and white, a little less grey. I like that. It's sort of how I think 98%of the time. Haha. It can be troublesome though. Our world is not black and white. But at least for and hour and 1/2, I could imagain it was.
I'm working on my black and white thought process though. I've discovered that it's a big source of why I'm so discontended much of the time. I expect things to be one way and when they are not, it throws me completely off balance. I'm learning that some things get mushed a little and that's okay. :0)

Avoidance or Acceptance

So many thoughts are running through my noggin right now. I always wonder who is reading this blog. I know a few friends and family members might take a peek at it every so often, but other than that I have no clue. So I ask myself, what is the point of posting certain things? How personal should my blog be? Am I making others uncomfortable with my topics, or should I just write in the moment and let it be an outlet for me like a journal. (Which I have been horrible at keeping up the last few months.) If I do ever make anyone uncomfortable I'm sorry. But I do feel the need to just lay something out there in the world. Who knows maybe someone will read it and think, oh my gosh! I feel the same way! I don't know.
I touched on a topic in my last post about my disappointment again this month. I lightly implied my heartbreak and hurt from it, but it's so much more than that. I often feel so isolated even though we know a few people who have struggled with fertility as well.
I'm so angry. I read somewhere that infertility causes you to go through the grief process every month. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. It's so true! I have been through each of these things, (though not always in order.) But this time I cannot stop being angry. I've lashed out at my husband, friends, family. I've avoided spending time with certain people because although I'm so joyous for them, I'm so angry for myself and it's ripping me apart. Have two opposite emotions tearing you this way and that is very uncomfortable. Everywhere I look there are this amazing stories of how so and so struggled for years and then BAM the miracle in their life!!! Woohoo! These stories give me such hope. But as bad as this sounds, I'm so tired of having hope. My sights are lifted up, I get this grand view and then each month it all plummets to the ground. And it's not a soft landing. There are jagged rocks, and mean cacti, and all manner of painful objects to hurt myself with. Then I get up and attempt at pushing forward again.
Yay me right? Wrong. I'm tired of it. I'm so so so tired of it. It hurts over and over and over again. I feel so incredibly alone with it. Others just don't understand. It's a loss. Real and painful. I've felt that hope of something to come, something delightful, new, scary, exciting, and beautiful. And I've felt it ripped away from me in a moment. A single moment when I know, it's all gone. Then all I can feel this mind numbing pain from the very center of me until it gushes out. There's no way to describe it.
I've had a lot of "advice." Relaxing is not my problem thank you very much. Adopting will not get me pregnant. By the way adopting is not an answer to infertility, it's an answer to being childless. Just thought I'd throw that one out there. Yes we pay our tithing and have faith. I understand it's on the Lords time. Ugh, sometimes the world just needs to hush up a bit.
I'm trying to be positive but I have a firm belief that sometimes (and mind you not ALWAYS) but sometimes a person just needs to wallow a bit. They need to grieve. And then I will move forward. I just know it can't be easy of people who have to deal with me month after month. Namely my husband.
But where do I go from here? I'm so exhausted from this ride of up and down, back and forth, doing this or that, counting days, marking my temp, buying products, searching the internet, planning doctors appointments....It sounds crazy just writing that. So what do I do? I'm a planner, a thinker, a goal setter. I have absolutely no control in this matter. I can do my part but that's it. I can't determine the outcome. And in plain words that really sucks.

I'm not sorry for posting this and sounding like a big selfish baby. I need to be that way right now. I wont be forever. I'll work on a positive attitude to have something happy to write soon, but right now I'm wallowing and avoiding reality. Then when that's over with, I can accept and move forward(?)...or at least somewhere.
Love
H.

Hearts Knit As One

Camp was over yesterday and I still feel like I need to planning and preparing for it. lol I think it went well. It was a learning experience that is for sure but a good one. I was grateful to get to know each other the girls better. I hope they got to know me a little bit more. There are a few things I would have done differently but for the most part it went okay. Thank goodness I had all the help I had!!! My local family really pitched in and I think I gave each of them a job to do that they fulfilled beautifully. Mom-L organized the meals for camp, Perry helped by giving me ideas of who to go to for such and such activity, and continually encouraged me when I would whine at work to him, Shannon baked for camp, my husband was our go to guy and astronomy person, Jess was my assistant and keeper of my sanity, and Dad-T came out to the campsite to help in various things! If any of you read this, THANK YOU A THOUSAND TIMES!
Today is Fathers Day. I think I caught a case of the tireds and worn outs. My stomach hasn't been terribly pleased with since yesterday morning either so those things combined made me decide to stay home from church. I'm sad to miss the meetings but I need some recovery time.

On a different level I'm slightly (and by slightly I mean heartbroken of course) discouraged. For the week of camp I was able to forget what week of the month it was, and when I got yesterday I realized that today I could take a pregnancy test and see if we would have a Father's Day miracle. It was negative. I guess my body is still a bit messed up from surgery to make me think I could take a test. I try my best to keep my chin up and press forward but it's hard at times to not want to curl up in a ball of bitter hurt and cry like a 3 year old. I just don't know what else to do. There's only so much I can calculate (i.e temperature, days of cycle so on so forth), so many products I can spend money on, so many times I can search the internet for some clue or hidden answer of something I'm not doing. It's exhausting. We have a few more medical things planned for early July but after that we are pretty much stuck. We're still saving for adoption, but honestly that process is going to take so long it doesn't feel real. To me it feels like saving to go on a trip to Peru. Yes we want to but it's so far out of reach that what's the point on focusing to hard on it. Perhaps I'm just bitter all around. I'm looking for a direct answer and it's not going to happen that way. It's just not. So we'll keep pressing forward and holding each other up. Although I have to admit Casey holds me up a lot more than I do him. I tend to fall apart more easily.

But enough of my pity party. I'm going to drink some sprite, eat a cracker or two and try to invite the spirit into my home this Sunday. With love to all!!!

:0)
H.

 

Our Young Womens Camp! Including the leaders!

 

Crazy group of gals!!!!

 

One of our wonderful and lovely Young Womens leaders Karrie. She was in charge of keeping me sane!

 

My amazing and beautiful sister in law Jess was my Assistant Camp Director. Could not have done it without her!

 

We saw so many flowers and critters on our hike!

 

A view from the top of the trail.

 

The girls on the last stretch until we were done.

 

Our beautiful Young Women after our service project. We painted part of the picnic area behind us. They worked really hard!