Hearts Knit As One

Camp was over yesterday and I still feel like I need to planning and preparing for it. lol I think it went well. It was a learning experience that is for sure but a good one. I was grateful to get to know each other the girls better. I hope they got to know me a little bit more. There are a few things I would have done differently but for the most part it went okay. Thank goodness I had all the help I had!!! My local family really pitched in and I think I gave each of them a job to do that they fulfilled beautifully. Mom-L organized the meals for camp, Perry helped by giving me ideas of who to go to for such and such activity, and continually encouraged me when I would whine at work to him, Shannon baked for camp, my husband was our go to guy and astronomy person, Jess was my assistant and keeper of my sanity, and Dad-T came out to the campsite to help in various things! If any of you read this, THANK YOU A THOUSAND TIMES!
Today is Fathers Day. I think I caught a case of the tireds and worn outs. My stomach hasn't been terribly pleased with since yesterday morning either so those things combined made me decide to stay home from church. I'm sad to miss the meetings but I need some recovery time.

On a different level I'm slightly (and by slightly I mean heartbroken of course) discouraged. For the week of camp I was able to forget what week of the month it was, and when I got yesterday I realized that today I could take a pregnancy test and see if we would have a Father's Day miracle. It was negative. I guess my body is still a bit messed up from surgery to make me think I could take a test. I try my best to keep my chin up and press forward but it's hard at times to not want to curl up in a ball of bitter hurt and cry like a 3 year old. I just don't know what else to do. There's only so much I can calculate (i.e temperature, days of cycle so on so forth), so many products I can spend money on, so many times I can search the internet for some clue or hidden answer of something I'm not doing. It's exhausting. We have a few more medical things planned for early July but after that we are pretty much stuck. We're still saving for adoption, but honestly that process is going to take so long it doesn't feel real. To me it feels like saving to go on a trip to Peru. Yes we want to but it's so far out of reach that what's the point on focusing to hard on it. Perhaps I'm just bitter all around. I'm looking for a direct answer and it's not going to happen that way. It's just not. So we'll keep pressing forward and holding each other up. Although I have to admit Casey holds me up a lot more than I do him. I tend to fall apart more easily.

But enough of my pity party. I'm going to drink some sprite, eat a cracker or two and try to invite the spirit into my home this Sunday. With love to all!!!

:0)
H.