So many thoughts are running through my noggin right now. I always wonder who is reading this blog. I know a few friends and family members might take a peek at it every so often, but other than that I have no clue. So I ask myself, what is the point of posting certain things? How personal should my blog be? Am I making others uncomfortable with my topics, or should I just write in the moment and let it be an outlet for me like a journal. (Which I have been horrible at keeping up the last few months.) If I do ever make anyone uncomfortable I'm sorry. But I do feel the need to just lay something out there in the world. Who knows maybe someone will read it and think, oh my gosh! I feel the same way! I don't know.
I touched on a topic in my last post about my disappointment again this month. I lightly implied my heartbreak and hurt from it, but it's so much more than that. I often feel so isolated even though we know a few people who have struggled with fertility as well.
I'm so angry. I read somewhere that infertility causes you to go through the grief process every month. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. It's so true! I have been through each of these things, (though not always in order.) But this time I cannot stop being angry. I've lashed out at my husband, friends, family. I've avoided spending time with certain people because although I'm so joyous for them, I'm so angry for myself and it's ripping me apart. Have two opposite emotions tearing you this way and that is very uncomfortable. Everywhere I look there are this amazing stories of how so and so struggled for years and then BAM the miracle in their life!!! Woohoo! These stories give me such hope. But as bad as this sounds, I'm so tired of having hope. My sights are lifted up, I get this grand view and then each month it all plummets to the ground. And it's not a soft landing. There are jagged rocks, and mean cacti, and all manner of painful objects to hurt myself with. Then I get up and attempt at pushing forward again.
Yay me right? Wrong. I'm tired of it. I'm so so so tired of it. It hurts over and over and over again. I feel so incredibly alone with it. Others just don't understand. It's a loss. Real and painful. I've felt that hope of something to come, something delightful, new, scary, exciting, and beautiful. And I've felt it ripped away from me in a moment. A single moment when I know, it's all gone. Then all I can feel this mind numbing pain from the very center of me until it gushes out. There's no way to describe it.
I've had a lot of "advice." Relaxing is not my problem thank you very much. Adopting will not get me pregnant. By the way adopting is not an answer to infertility, it's an answer to being childless. Just thought I'd throw that one out there. Yes we pay our tithing and have faith. I understand it's on the Lords time. Ugh, sometimes the world just needs to hush up a bit.
I'm trying to be positive but I have a firm belief that sometimes (and mind you not ALWAYS) but sometimes a person just needs to wallow a bit. They need to grieve. And then I will move forward. I just know it can't be easy of people who have to deal with me month after month. Namely my husband.
But where do I go from here? I'm so exhausted from this ride of up and down, back and forth, doing this or that, counting days, marking my temp, buying products, searching the internet, planning doctors appointments....It sounds crazy just writing that. So what do I do? I'm a planner, a thinker, a goal setter. I have absolutely no control in this matter. I can do my part but that's it. I can't determine the outcome. And in plain words that really sucks.
I'm not sorry for posting this and sounding like a big selfish baby. I need to be that way right now. I wont be forever. I'll work on a positive attitude to have something happy to write soon, but right now I'm wallowing and avoiding reality. Then when that's over with, I can accept and move forward(?)...or at least somewhere.
Love
H.
Dog Eared Page: The Country of Marriage
6 years ago
I'm glad we could catch up for a bit. I miss you!
ReplyDeleteHeather, I'm probably one of those friends you are sick of hearing about or from, but I have another little thing that helped me.
ReplyDeleteI stopped doing the infertility check-ups and taking the pills and what not. I decided to be that cool single couple that travels. Secretly I still wanted to have babies, but I put it farther back in my mind. I decided to consentrate on researching places I wanted to go or seeing what new hobby or adventure I wanted to take up. I started thinking how to make me a cooler person or mom when the time came (if it ever came.)
I'm sure you have heard this all before when they say when you stop thinking about it it will happen. That used to piss me off royally. So I didn't stop thinking about it, but I did stop focusing my entire life around it. I realized that Life was going on with out me. I was waiting for it to start when I had a family. I honestly still feel like I'm sometimes waiting for it to start. Set different goals for yourself that you know you can do, plan something or goals for you and your husband that maybe don't involve children. I know it is tuff. I know that what ever anyone says it won't make it easier. I also know that in the LDS community it makes it that much more heartbreaking!
I also know that you have to move forward like you said. You have to live your life now, as it is. Screw all those women having babies, [obviously you don't have to because someone else is :-)] you have other things going for you that you have to bring out and let shine!
You are awesome, and I admire your strength, cuz girl, you will have to be strong to get through this.
I believe it is okay to go through an angry stage, but then get it out and find something else to replace that anger.
I realize that I do have a child now, so you can tell me to go to hell cuz it is different, and you are right it is.
This is just some advice you can either use or take with a grain of salt.
Try to loose yourself in something that will make you happy and maybe stop trying to get prego for a couple of months (of course still practice ;-P). Do something different.
I love you , you better know that! You take care of yourself.