Winds of Change

 

I can't believe it's already the middle of September. School is pushing forward like a bulldozer and if you can't keep up you'll be squished! Any day now my nephew will arrive, and already you can smell the cold just barely touching the air in the morning, hinting fall and winter are on their way.
So poetic eh?
Seriously though, I LOVE this time of year. I love when the leaves are starting to change, I love the anticipation of something different about to happen. Some people have told me that the fall reminds them of death. But to me it's always represented a beautiful change. Not only because physically the world turns into a pallet of bright reds, yellows, orange, or that the air smells like pencils and football, but because for many years this time of year has brought a significant change to my life. This was the time of year I went to basic training, the time of year I attempted college and met some of my best friends, the time of year I would start a new play in school, or when I moved to Lewiston and met a oh so cute, gangly, sweet fella that it took no time at all to fall for.
This years big change is the obvious. I have gone back to school. But honestly it feels like more. Because of medical reasons Casey and I are even more committed to adoption and we are pushing forward as best we can with our attempts to save money and better ourselves. I know Casey will make an amazing father. And although I worry about my mothering ability I also get comfort from the spirit that by listening and learning and just LOVING my child, things will work out for the best. I am so thrilled and excited at the prospect that in the next year or so we will be in a place that maybe a selfless young woman will place the child of her body in our care. I am joyous beyond reason and it hasn't even gotten close to that point yet.
I understand miracles happen. That those who have been told by doctors they will never have children get pregnant and become parents through that blessing. But honestly I don't feel that is our path right now. Maybe someday my body will work and together through our love Casey and I will become parents, but as I watch him attempt to play and grow closer to his nieces (and soon his nephew) I know that if we are diligent now, and continue to grow and progress, it wont be long before we too can bring a child into our home and be called parents. I know this will happen.
As I feel the bite in the clear air this feeling overcomes me. It is pure joy because I am reminded that change always comes. We are not forever placed in one spot. We constantly evolve and grow and learn if we choose to do so. How beautiful and exciting it is that our loving Heavenly Father puts us in a position to progress. I'm not saying others don't progress if they don't have infertility problems, they do!!! I've watched loved ones grow and learn so quickly and I my heart swells for them and their lives, but I think Heavenly Father may have gave us this challenge to further our reliance on Him and His plan. Our bodies are so very mortal and at times it's difficult to make our spirits match them when we know of our eternal potential, but at the same time thank goodness we have these bodies and can appreciate their capacity a bit better. As broken as they may be at times they can also do so many wonderful things. I am so thankful for that.
I didn't mean for this post to be another soap box speech about infertility. Honestly when I started I was thinking how much I love this time of year and how it always gives me hope. It's the transition into the holidays as well as the memories that fill my mind that make it so wonderful to me. I'm sorry if all I ever post about is my issues but I do want to state that there are moments when the self pity passes and I get a glimpse of what our future holds and it fills my heart with light. :0)
Love,
Heather