Snacksgiving Nomination Domination!

Nom nom nom nom, oh how wonderful it is! I was able to spend this wonderful holiday with my amazing husband and my two crazy kitties! Through a series of events we ended having dinner with just our little family. We had most of the fixings already so it was pretty easy to pull off.
We took turns talking about what we were thankful for as we normally do. We took a long long nap, we watched a movie and played with the kitties. It was wonderful.
This is the first holiday we have spent with just the two of us since we met. It's not as if we don't like spending it with other loved ones but it was truly a great day with just the us and the kitties.
I didn't take very many pictures because I was mostly cooking all day but I don't mind.
I hope everyone else out there has had an amazing holiday filled with love and blessings!
-H

Happy Halloween!

This year for Halloween Casey and I decided that we wanted to throw a party. Now bear in mind that we currently live in the biggest apartment we've ever had but it's still pretty small when you cram about 15 people in it. But none the less we wanted to have the opprotunity to host a party and invite friends and family. We encouraged everyone to dress up and boy were we NOT dissapointed. My father in law even threw something together and the man is not known for costumes. It was a hoot. We played some ridiculous games and had a ton of food and overall I hope it was fun for all our guests because I had a blast. Here are some pictures. The only ones missing are my grandparents as well as my nieces. I never caught them with the camera. But below are the folks I did!


My mother in law channeled her "inner spook" and came as a witch. Her hat was so ornate it was awesome. To bad she wasn't holding our black cat when we took the picture that would have been perfect!


Our friends Andrew and Breianne came as Woody and Jesse from Toy Story. Very cute!


You never know what to expect from Jacob and Agatha. She came as a stray cat and he came as animal control. lol


My sister in law Shannon was a "snow" bunny. She was so cute!


My brother in law Perry FINALLY got to use the katana sword we got him for Christmas a few years back and came as a ninja.


The craziest costume of the night! This is my father in law. I should have found a compare photo because here he really looks like someone from America's most wanted. It was a big hit! Even better is the fact that Todd doesn't normally get into the whole dressing up spirit of Halloween.


Who knows what I was going for. A deranged ladybug fairy thing? It took me 45 minutes in the shower to wash all that hair dye out. lol


No Casey is not the devil. He's the beanie baby bull "Tabasco." My grandmother had made this costume a few years back and he got great use out of it the other night! This is is "bull" stance. lol

Creepy, Kooky, Mysterious, Spooky

The other day I decided to try to take some "halloweenish" pictures of our kitty-cats because well, we have a big black cat and that's kind of perfect for Halloween. But the theory of taking an adorable Halloween-type picture of your kitty and actually doing it are two very different things. But I took 2 1/2 pictures that I liked. (The 1/2 is the picture of both of the boys, it was the only one with both of them that didn't have one of them putting their nose right on the camera. But it's not a great picture so I only gave it a .5) Anyway these pictures took some time, patience, and lots of treats! Oh treats, you do make my kitties world go round!

This picture isn't the best but oh well. They were both in the shot.



My handsome Blitzen. He's so sweet tempered and he did really well. He even tolerated the indignity of his orange bandanna rather well.



Crazy kitten Cuzco! He's growing so fast. I can't believe how big he's getting. He is such a curious little fella and didn't mind the camera at all.

Spirit of Elijah???

So I haven't been one to always be great about family history. I had a pedigree chart that goes back about 9 generations and I have done some temple work for my family in the past. I've given myself a few pats on the back.

Well this year while thinking of what I could get my father for Christmas, (the man has EVERYTHING!!! and if he doesn't have it he will just go get it if he needs it.) In recent years I have gotten him gifts that kind of spark a little bit of family pride, like the Sharp family crest and whatnot, so I kept thinking a book of a little family history would be kind of fun. For kicks and giggles I signed up for a 2 week trial at ancestry.com. And let me tell you what, it has been crazy!!! i have found names and dates of people I never dreamed of. I have found so many that I've begun on a thing for my mother. It just seams like although I've found a lot of dead ends, I've started so many new lines to make up for it generously.

Today I was listening to conference and there was a talk about the spirit of Elijah. My husband has said that his mother truly has that because she is amazing when it comes to family history. She just finds things and moves her families story further and further back. It's really neat to talk to her about it. But as I was listening I was thinking of how in the past two days I have found more ancestors than in the past 10 years. I can't help but think not only is this a time in my life when technology is more at my disposal, or that I'm of an age where it truly interests me and I feel the benefit of having a pedigree chart that is more full, but I think that my ancestors really do want me to know them. After starting this project a little ways in I decided to say a prayer because I truly have no idea what I'm doing. It wasn't long after that when my prayer was answered and I was finding family members left and right! It feels so wonderful! Each name I look at I consider I have felt the spirit guiding me this way or that. Sometimes it takes some discernment but for the most part I have felt led.

Casey and I have a goal to attend the temple more often and what better incentive than my ancestors propelling me forward in the journey into the past. (poetic right? lol) I'm excited. I'm trying to find all I can in a very short amount of time however because it is a little expensive. But I'm happy I'm doing this. I've learned many things about my ancestors that I never dreamed of.

I'm excited to listen to more conference and to hear the messages given. I suppose I should go to bed now so I can do just that tomorrow.

Much love to all!

Shaking the Dust off the ole Brain

So we've been in school about a month now and I can't believe how easily it is to forget the basics after only a few months off! But both Casey and I are working hard to get the noggins primed for more knowledge that gets thrown our way each class.

I'm glad I'm only taking one class this semester. I'm not sure I could handle much more honestly. I have no clue how I did it before AND I had more going on. I just feel a little more tired this semester and it's been nice to just kind of take it easy. Casey on the other had is burning the candle at both ends some days. The man is go go go because he has so much on his plate. I feel for him and I try to help as best I can but there's only so much I can do. But he handles stress and craziness much better than I do so where I would have been completely overwhelmed by his schedule, he takes it in stride.

Speaking of taking strides I came up with a game at work that I hope other people will work at too. It's a way to motivate those of us (okay let be honest, ME, to motivate ME) to exercise more. Although I've done okay with weight watchers my progress hasn't really gone very far. So I thought maybe to make a better incentive we should have a walking challenge or something. I was printing shirts for this company that just meet it's 100 mile mark for some people and they were celebrating that. So the rusty gears of my mind started turning. I didn't want it to just be about walking. Not everyone walks or has time to walk, so I decided it would be about mileage. A person can walk, run, bike, swim, use gym equipment that tracks miles, roller-blade on and on. As long as they were doings something physical that was outside a normal day to day work routine and could keep track of the miles it counted. Well then I was like, okay so are we seeing who would get the most miles by a certain date or what? My mind was plotting and twisting its way around this idea, I really was stumped because I wanted it to be fun and challenging for those where were already in shape but also build teamwork and friendship at work. Well I went to my mother in laws office and gave her my idea and she tweaked it a little and I tweaked it a little. Then finally it hit me! We were going to do the miles of a distance to a destination as a group and have a party afterward. So I got online and found out that Honolulu is 2866 miles from Lewiston and we will have a luau once we get the miles in! I was really excited about this. I even figured spouses and kids could join in. So I start talking about my idea at work and what I got was a lot of negative feedback from a few people. They truly made me feel stupid. I was all excited about this and these people just treated it like I told them that licking rotten apple was fun. Well I pushed forward anyway. I went and got some poster board and markers and made a chart. I decorated it all cute and fun and put everyone's name on it regardless of if they want to participate or not. If they don't they can just cross off their name easy-peasy. I also got stickers to mark every 10 miles a person has done.

I'm pumped about this. And what makes me feel even better is the fact that although I had input from others, it was my idea! I want to feel like I'm truly contributing to the work atmosphere in a positive way. We all get stressed and snark at each other so often I wonder why sometimes people show up for work. Maybe this can de-stress some of us and motivate others? How fun right?

Well that's what you get when you start using your brain. lol

Personal Goals

So read a blog of a friend that shared this quote:

George Bernard Shaw said: "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

I LOVED this to say the least! My friend was posting about her growth as a person while her husband has been deployed. All the while I was reading this post I was thinking there are so many things I want to do, and why shouldn't I. It doesn't mean I will be the greatest but why do I feel like I need to apologize all the time for wanting to try something. It's like, I'm afraid to be ok at something and that it will offend people who are truly good at it. Does that make sense?

I will use photography as an example. I don't know a lot about the technical aspect of it, and I'm not even sure I have a true knack, but I LOVE taking pictures and catching a moment or a look on someones face. It's the best feeling sometimes. Part of me thinks that my love for getting those moments or documenting those rare occasions is because so many of my moments in life were not captured. A lot of them I boo-hoo about and I'm trying to get better but a little bit of bitterness tends to well up in me when I think of them. Like my high school graduation. I don't really have any pictures of that. I and I don't have a single one of me with my parents. Isn't that supposed to be a proud moment shared by a family? And yet, I only have a few taken with friends. My memories of that day are not wonderful anyway but I don't even have a single picture to help me remember the pride I felt. That's so very sad. Another moment is my wedding day. I wish I could go back and tell the photographer exactly what i wanted, or do pictures beforehand or SOMETHING!

Anyway enough boo-hooing and back on topic, my point is, my lack of having moments captured has made me almost annoying in my pushing for others to have their moments caught. I love doing that but something my brother said to me once shook my confidence in myself to the point I don't even feel like I should be allowed to do something I love. He said "every girl with a camera I know thinks she's a real photographer. You're no different." I'm not sure why he said that, or if he meant it in a harsh way. Maybe he was just trying to warn me that it's a craft many people do but not many people are truly talented. I don't know. In any case I feel as though I might offend those who truly have talent in the craft. And I don't know how to gauge my ability either so who knows. There are no classes in this area I can take to learn more, and I"m kind of going off the cuff most of the time.

But this quote made me think of it a little differently. I don't have to be the best to be the best person I can be. Was that to crazy of a sentence? haha But really, it doesn't matter right? I shouldn't compare my love for something with that talent of others. Because you can't measure them together. It's like, I'm not a perfect singer but does that mean I shouldn't sing in church or along with my favorite music because it might upset and offend the ears of an opera singer? No, I love doing it, and I feel good doing it, and if it makes me improve myself a little more than I should continue.

Heavenly Father has blessed us all with many different gifts, and many levels of those gifts. I think desire is a gift. I desire greatly to do something with my life. I desire to fulfill my education. I desire to become a better homemaker and learn and improve skills of cooking, crochet, sewing, and organization. I desire to be a better photographer. I desire to be a better musician. I desire to constantly learn things like Spanish, gardening, and most off all the scriptures. I desire to be HEALTHY!

I taught a lesson in Sunday School last week about our bodies and I used the quote "we are not mortals having a spiritual experience...we are spirits having a mortal experience." (or something like that) We each have the potential to create more out of ourselves in this eternity than we can even imagine. And I'm going to keep pressing on and doing that because I am blessed to have the desire to do so, and the ability will come with hard work and practice. :)

Love to all of you dear friends who support and read my silly ramblings. Thank you for all that you do for me!

H.

Fish On and Family Fun

My mother in law turned 49 this year and she wanted to take a trip with the whole fam damily to the coast. It was a blast. I didn't get my camera out as often as I would have liked but that's okay, I have proof that I was there.
Our "Old Time Beach" Photo. It's a picture of a picture because I have no scanner so sorry it kind of stinks.

The family portrait 2011. Only one is missing but he wont make his appearance until January.

Case & I on top of the Astoria Column.

Nearly 28 and I wanted to ride the carosel. I picked the creepiest animal I saw, a big black cat with a fish in it's mouth.

Speaking of fish....Here are the menfolk at 3:45AM about to head out on their fishing trip in Astoria.

My cute husband on the boat! He got the whopper of our group though. A salmon almost 30lbs!

Case and his brother's in law, Perry and Nate with their trophies!

Today starts a new semester in school, a second job option and our busy season at work... Oh wow the real world didn't slow down at all for us while we were having fun!

Angry Beavers, Doctor Cats, my strange strange husband, plus personal rambling equals......

I enjoy netflix. I really enjoy it now that I can watch it a lot more. The other day I discovered that it had the show the Angry Beavers on it. This was a very strange show that Nickelodeon put on back in the day. My family loved it. I started watching it again and realized, yes it's very very stupid in the form of most cartoons...It's also freaking funny! It was this type of show that once made me consider becoming a voice actor for cartoons. There are so many strange noises that come from this show. I even wish that I had names my cats Norbert and Daggit because of the humor the show gives me.
Casey disputes it's greatness. He was a fan of Rocko's Modern Life growing up. Gag. That show is so gross! I'm amazing his parents allowed him to watch it. So I'm educating him on the superiority of the Angry Beavers.
In return my husband has been finding the weirdest comics online and sharing them with me. I love the man dearly but sometimes I worry his brilliant brain is going to turn mushy with all the weird stuff he finds. Given it's funny, but how do people come up with this stuff! Let me share a bit with you.
The first he stumbled upon is at www.nedroid.com. It's pretty random but in a way that makes you stop and read it twice and then laugh your butt off...I highly encourage you take a peek if you ever have 20 minutes to kill...Very funny stuff. Be warned it's about a PG-13 rating on some. I've never noticed any profanity but you never know right. Better safe than sorry. Here is a sample:



Then there is Party Cat:

Dumb right? Yet intriguing and funny! Do you see my concern for Casey. Yesterday he found a comic on a different web site about a cat doctor.... And one that spoofed some of our favorite video game characters. How much time should really be wasted on this stuff.

And yet I'm right there with him with his strange tastes.

I hope someone can get a laugh out of these. I sure did.

New Addition to the Family

Soooooooo last Saturday we went to PetCo to get Blitzen a few things and there was an
adoption fair going on and we saw this little grey thing with a tiny meow and a sweet face. We waited a few days to see if Blitzen would deal and now he has a new little brother/friend!!!!
We give you...
CUZCO!

Stitches and Ice Cream

So I'm now allowed to get on the computer for a short time and I thought I would write a quick note that I'm doing ok. I got my stitches out yesterday on my eye and eyelid but not my leg. It's not healing as quickly as the last time. It feels less than awesome I will admit but it's healing. Thanks to cookies and cream ice cream I'm dealing rather well.
My eye feels pretty good. I was grateful to get the stitches out because they itched and irritated me. Now I get to start my "face exercises" again to teach the muscle to open my eye. You wouldn't think that working your face muscles would be hard but it kind of is!
Nothing else really new to report. I'm doing well and I'm ready to be all healed up.
:)
Heather

My Oh My The Warmth of July!

July is such a solid month don't you think? It's smack dab in the middle of the calender year, it's hot and stiff and unmovable. And I think I'm going to love it this year. In the past I have felt the stiffness of July was a bad thing. It kind of made me feel trapped. Perhaps none of this make sense to anyone else so I will try to explain my head a bit.
I have always felt that summer was the sitting season. It's just to hot to do anything but sit and be lazy and melt. It goes by so slow but not in a wow I can accomplish so much kind of way but rather in a, I'm running in mud kind of way. It can be very aggravating. Now Fall, I love fall. It's a moving season. Yes things are kind of dying off but the colors are vivid and soothing to me. Summer is so washed out because of the high sun and the heat. Winter is bustling! Even when it's calm it's can become so crisp that you have to move or freeze! lol And there is so much going on! Spring is a growing season. Things burst to life with color and expectation.
Poor summer just can't compete in my opinion.
However I've been trying to think of a way I can enjoy July and the season it falls in. It has to be simple things because of my upcoming surgery, but I'm thinking sitting on the porch in the evening, eating bbq and listening to crickets is a great way to enjoy my very still July nights. During the day I will (again within my limits) address my disorganized life. I literally will have nothing else to do and what better way to fill the stopped life than to clean in an air conditioned apartment. (This place stays so cool during the day it's amazing!)
I am also very much looking forward to the 4th. It's such a great holiday. I love the fireworks. And I am very very much looking forward to sandal shopping. There, that's how I will love this time of the year. I haven't had the chance to in a long time. hahaha.

Eye Surgery Pics: Warning, kinda icky looking.

My eye is almost completely healed now. It's still a bit sensitive and has some twinges of pain but overall I can't believe how much better it is! It's a bit nuts. I'm so grateful that I could have this done. I'm having my other eye (my left eye) done on July 8th. My right eye should be completely healed by then because it will be a about 9 weeks of recovery by then. I wanted to share some of the pictures not because I think I look very good in them but to show that it is in my opinion a pretty dramatic change. At first I was really regretting doing this but now I'm really happy that I did. Hope I don't gross people out to much!

Last picture of my right eye before surgery. You can see how badly it droops over my pupil.

I don't remember Casey taking these but I was pretty doped up. This is right after I got out of surgery I guess.


A day or so later...Starting to swell a lot more.

A few days after that the bruising is starting to get really dark. It's a little hard to see in this light but my eye is a very icky shade of purple and green.

This picture shows really well where they put the graft. My leg is also looking pretty bad by this time but that picture would be right up my thigh and there are just some things people don't need to see. Hahaha. Anyway, they grafted muscle from my leg to the muscle above my eyebrow because my eyelid was completely paralyzed. To open my eye I've had to work my eyebrow muscle. It was funny at first because I would look really surprised in one eye when I would open it but now it's a lot better.

This was taken after I got my stitches out. I think it was about 2 weeks or so after my surgery.

My latest picture taken a few days ago!!! Look how even and open it looks! It's opening more and more each day and it will be so nice when both are done.


So far there are no plans to do a graft with my left eye. It doesn't have great muscle movement either though so my doc said we would just see what would happen once he gets in there. As of right now if you look strait on you can't see to much of a difference but when I use my face muscles to open my eye more you can really see how uneven they are. The droop in my left eye is minor but it's ability to open isn't great so that's what we are fixing. And we are also preventing it drooping any more in the future.
Fun fun fun!

A bight SUN shiny day! Happy Mother's Day!

Most years I become slightly cynical when it comes to Mother's Day. Although I try to focus on my own mother and the amazing women who have been or are in my life, I often go into my own selfish little world and get very self absorbed and pathetic.
Maybe it's the fact that I just had surgery so I knew there wasn't a chance of a baby or maybe it's that I've been very focused elsewhere but this year seemed very different. Could it be I'm maturing a bit and I'm not having a bunch of pity parties over things I can't control? Hopefully. Life is to short to constantly feel that down.
Surgery went well. I still look a bit like frankenstien but that's okay. I expected I would. I get my stitches out tomorrow and I'm sooooooooooo ready for that to happy. They hurt and itch and just make my face not happy to look at. I've decided to wait until July to do my other eye. I want a lot of healing to happen and I need to go back to work for a bit before my next round of mandatory time off hits.
Anyway, part of why I wanted to post, I wanted to share my little mother's day project I did. I'm reviving my love of cake decorating. So here are some sunflower cupcakes I made to brighten the day up a bit.




These goofy rays of happy are so easy to make. I want to share with anyone who reads this just how fun it is. Maybe some of you could do it with your kids or who knows. :)
The supplies you'll need are:
Cupcakes (duh I know.0
Oreo cookies
Red m&ms or orange reeces pieces
vanilla frosting.
About 1/2 cup yellow
About 1/2 cup green
About 1/4 cup black
A piping bag with a leaf tip. This is for the yellow frosting.
A piping bag with a writing tip. This is for the black frosting.
(note: they make a spray can with the tips included in various colors. These will also work just make sure you are using the correct tip.)

First bake your cupcakes. Any flavor will do. These happen to be orange. It just seemed to fit with the bright nature of the decorations. Frost the cupcake with green frosting. Then break apart the sandwiched oreo cookies. It doesn't matter if the white filling stays on a particular side. You can scrape it off if you want but I don't think it was necessary.
Place the oreo flat on the cupcake with the oreo writing up. It may look funny to you at first but it gives a little texture and fun to the project. Then taking the yellow leaf tip pipe around the outside band of the cookie little petals. Then do a second row more inside of the cookie just off balance of the first row.
Now take your black frosting and writing tip and pipe a bit of frosting anywhere on the cupcake or flower. Then take either your m&m or reeces candy and place it on the spot you piped. Using your black frosting draw a line down the middle of the candy and put dots on either side to make a lady bug.
Top off with some colored sugar and wa-la!
I cleaned a potting plant and put some of the cupcakes in those as a gift. I only had paper towels on hand but you could use some tissue paper and it would be really pretty. Another thing I didn't have but would make it really cute is green colored cupcake liners.
Hello easy visiting teaching gift, neighbor gift, or fun family home evening project right?

The total time it took me to do this from starting my mix to taking the picture was about a hour and a half. Not to bad. :)
Hope you all had a great day too!

Heather

Happy Easter!

I can't believe it's Easter already! Time has been going so quickly. Soon Casey will be done with this semester and we are both very ready for the summer to start! My poor husband is running on empty most days between work and school and it's about time he has a little fun!
We had stake conference today and the talks were wonderful! I loved hearing the speakers messages about the Savior and feeling the spirit in my heart. It was a broadcast done for about 48 Idaho stakes. It was great. Although those horrible chairs in the gym left something to be desired. lol
After conference Casey and I decided that some Easter pictures would be fun. We were already dressed up so why not. I was pleased with the results. Not professional by any means but they are frame worthy in my opinion. hehe. A few times Casey's stomach would growl though and that made for some interesting faces. But here are a few of the nicer ones we'd like to share:






I know I seem obsessed with pictures of us as a couple but to me it seems as though time is moving so quickly I want to capture all the wonderful moments in between. I'm truly blessed to have this man in my life. He brings such a wonderful spirit into our home and helps me grow everyday.
Happy Easter Everyone! I hope you all have a wonderful day. I sure have so far!

Spring Portraits!

This morning I woke up with the strange desire to get dressed up and grab my camera. Casey and I haven't had any pictures taken of us for quite a while so I thought it was about time even though frankly I HATE having my picture taken. I'm more of a behind the camera person.
So what prompted this need to document my existence with my husband on this earth today? The oddest place. Facebook. I realized the other day that I hadn't had a new profile picture in a long while and everybody else was constantly putting up new pictures that were so cute I wanted to be part of the crowd.
So we get up and trek down to this part of town with all these pretty trees off the road. I take one or two pictures and then Casey stops dead and says "Heather, it's time to go." I almost laughed but he was so serious. So I asked why and he pointed out a tent with shoes and other living area things. We had wandered into a homeless mans campout! I felt stupid and a little un-nerved. (I watch Criminal Minds to much I think, hahaha) so we got out of there and went to a park. It was then that I realized I HATED setting up the camera, setting a timer, running to get in place, and hoping with no real conviction that I wouldn't look stupid in the picture. I called my sister-in-law Shannon a begged her to come help us. She was so sweet to comply. Literally she dropped what she was doing, got the kids dressed and came on down.
She did a great job. I don't always like how I look in photos but it was so sweet of her to do that for us when we asked her out of the blue.
Once I got home I started playing around and I like the results. I thought I would share a few! :)







I really like this almost washed out style. I've been finding more and more ways to "treat" the portraits and stuff I've been doing. I really love it!

Look into my eyes....

So after seeing the plastic surgeon the other day I have a much better understanding of eyes and what is wrong with mine. I probably always had a droopy eyelid but thanks to a car wreck and the subsequent head injury that followed my eye is even worse. I took this before picture so that I can look back and remember how BAD my eye truly was.
The muscle in my eyelid is stretched and the doctor hopes to stitch it together in three points above my eye to bring it up to where it needs to be. You see how it basically covers the very center of my eye? Well that's bad. I am visually impaired on that eye by almost 50! Talk about a blind spot! My other eye has a droop to but it's not as severe although it still qualifies for surgery. That will take place after my right eye heals and all that fun stuff. Which means about 3 weeks of pure boredom. No reading, no tv, no computer, no craziness. I'm sure it wont be as bad as it sounds and my mom said she might even be able to come and visit so that would be nice.
I'm very excited to have it done. My eye is not only an impairment to my daily life, but a HUGE insecurity. Ever picture taken, or comment made of "are you tired?" or even loved ones saying, "wow, you're eye looks bad!" to strangers pointing out my "weird ugly eye and lets pray my children don't look like me!" (okay that last one was a mean woman who I provoked because her kid was obnoxious...but still, ouch! lol)
I joke about my "weird eye." I've hid behind glasses the last couple of years not only because I can't see anything but because it hides the droop better. But I miss sunglasses. I miss putting on my makeup and feeling satisfied with the result and NOT needing to cover it up with glasses. I miss feeling like I look normal. So although this surgery is for medical reasons, I'm grateful also to indulge my vanity just a little bit and feel better about myself. I would be a complete liar if I said that didn't matter to me. My only wish was I had been able to do it sooner. I think of my wedding pictures or any pictures really since my amazing husband came into my life. I think of how I try to turn or hide it or how awful I feel after seeing a picture where Case looks awesome and I look like a goober. We all can find things that work against us genetically without adding something on top of it.
There are fears too. Blindness. Still looking like me. Training my eye to adapt to all the light and what not. Will it be painful? Common normal fears. But mostly I'm just ready for it to happen.
So come on insurance and send me my happy papers and lets make this a go!

Can I do it?....

My weight loss story so far has not been one of success. Why? Because I'm a lazy, unmotivated, emotional eating fool! lol Seriously though I have impeded myself time and time again. I feel horrible about my body, I feel awful about my lack of physical health, and I really truly want to feel happy from the inside out. Right now I don't.
So what do you do when vanity or health isn't enough to motivate you? Where do you turn when you just want to crawl in a hole and hope everyone else around you gets fat too so you can justify the way things are? My answer...I have no freaking clue!

Sometimes I get a light bulb moment and I hope this one stays lit. I've always known I'm an emotional eater. But I don't exactly know why. I also know I have a terrible relationship with food that stems back to when I started to grow and change into a "woman" and the ripe old age of 10. It's a love/hate relationship for sure. I've always loved to eat and indulge, and I always hate myself afterwards.
So this is the next part of my weight loss journey I guess. Not just simply trying to lose weight but breaking down the inside walls that caused it to be there in the first place.
My worry is can I do it? Or will I let this fizzle out like so many other goals. Will I care for a week and a half and then become dissatisfied with the results or lack thereof? I really hope I can, I need it so bad.

Personal Values

This month we are having our New Beginings program for Young Womens. My part of the program is to talk about personal progress. I have no clue what I'm going to say although I have a few things bouncing around in my noggin. While thinking of my part in this program I have started to think of the different values that the young women are encouraged to develop and understand. Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, Integrity, and Virtue. I have begun to ask myself if I attempt to develop or understand these virtues or do I let them slide like so many other traits I need to work on.
I'm doing well in some areas, others not so much. I wont bore anyone with a breakdown of my lacking or my accomplishments. I just wanted to reflect a little bit.
I am grateful however to be a part of the young womens presidency. At times I am frustrated with my calling and even those I serve with, but and the end of the day I am grateful for what it teaches me and pushes me to do. I have to be more organized, have more patience and good humor, as well as charity in my heart. Not to mention it is a constant reminder of my worth as a daughter of God. That never changes with age. I will always be His daughter.
This affirmation in my heart is such a comfort. It's not always easy to hold onto but I am thankful that it is there. It is my hope and prayer that anyone who might read this will also begin to understand his/her potential because of their individual worth. I'm not saying that each day I wake up and look in the mirror and think I'm wonderful. Quite the opposite really, but I do think the more I remind myself that I am a child of God literally, it gets a little easier to go through the darker days. I have no clue what my purpose is on this planet, but it helps to think that I do have one. Even if it's just to develop myself and love others along the way. It's something I have to hold onto, otherwise I go to a very sad place.
Well, now I'm trying to gain some motivation. I have some minor chores to do and I want to finally go to the gym and break in that goal of getting healthy. If for any miraculous reason I do get pregnant I at least want to have established a healthy pattern beforehand. I don't know if I'm going to lose any weight but meh, I'll give it a go. lol
Love
H.

13th Article of Faith

I have been home sick with my poor husband all day. He's worse off then me but I am grateful for those who hold the priesthood who came to give us both blessings of comfort and for sickness.
Other than coughing and hacking all day and trying to rest, as well as baby Casey I've had a chance to straiten up my home a bit and ground myself again to reality.
I have been a selfish brat lately. I have disregarded others feelings because I have only been focusing on my "have-nots." I've been focusing on my lack of health in several areas, my fear of surgery, my constant questioning about our family expanding.
Instead of channeling these fears and doubts to be constructive, I gave into them. I cried often in pain and distress and anger, but I refused to be consoled by my husband or worse the Lord. I felt my heart harden. I felt it become rock-like in my chest and I wanted it to be that way. In my mind it was easier to do that then to hope for something and be heartbroken once again. But then I realized something today as Casey and I were laying on the couch all doped up from medicine, a soft heart doesn't easily break. It absorbs. Wear as a rock hard heart can be chipped and can have ragged edges. A soft heart might feel the pain but it can also feel the tender caress of love trying to heal it. A rock hard heart feels nothing but heavy emptiness.
I needed to soften my heart.
This week will be hard. Not only do I have my first eye appointment but I have a bug that has kicked me to the ground it seems. And on top of all that I'm waiting for an answer to a prayer. It's my greatest prayer. And I want it to happen so badly my whole being hurts. And the sad truth is, I don't think it did.
So I was letting my mind wander while hanging out online and something led me to think of the 13th Article of Faith, or at least part of it. It's also our youth theme this year. The part of it I thought of was: "Indeed we may say we follow the admonition of Paul. We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things."
I believe that this popped into my head as an answer to a different prayer that was intended to soften my heart. I have to have hope. And even when things are hard, I have to endure.
So that's my message this go around and I hope to not only say it but to live it. Have hope and endure. :0)
Love,
Heather

A bit deflated....

So for the past two weeks I have been have monster headaches. They finally got so bad that I couldn't get out of bed and go to school. Light hurts, sound hurts, and my right eye just feels awful! I could tell both my eyes were very strained. It's happened before but not ever this painful. And it hasn't gone away yet.
About 6 years ago I was in a car accident and smashed up my right eye. They eyelid has nerve damage and it can't open properly anymore so it gets weak and shuts easily. Then my left eye gets strained because it's doing all the work for two eyes.
I went to the eye doctor right after the accident but he had hopes that it would improve over time. It hasn't. I went to the doctor again a couple years ago for a prescription renewal and he referred me to a specialist that could do surgery to fix my eye. I haven't gotten that surgery yet because of money, other surgeries, and fear. Sure gut me like a fish but I'm scared to death of anyone messing around my face! I've had two major car accidents that have slightly altered my appearance, I have a genuine paranoia of not looking like myself! Anyway, it all has come to a head this last few weeks. I need to have the surgery and soon. My eye doctor is concerned that the longer I put it of the weaker my right eye will get and the greater the chance of my brain shutting it down and me going blind in one eye.
So that brings me to today...such a crappy crappy day. I had to withdraw from school today because I'm not sure when the surgery will be yet or how much recovery it will take. I'm not supposed to read (or get on the computer but I thought I'd do this an make it fast. I needed to vent.) I need to let my eyes rest. School does NOT let your eyes rest. So I had to withdraw.
I feel completely deflated and defeated. I know I can go back, and I know I had intended on taking next semester off anyway but still. I love(d) school. It was getting hard sure but I still loved my classes, the feeling of accomplishment, and the encouragement I felt from those around me. I feel like it's all been ripped away. I would cry right now if it wasn't so stinking painful! I'm just so mad. I'm mad at myself, I'm mad at the past, I'm mad at how things just don't work out sometimes. It sucks.

On a happy note my sweet boy Blitzen is 1 year old today. He's been such a cuddly sweetheart today, I think he knows it's his special day.
Well my eyes are watering like crazy. Computer screens no good for bad eyes.
Love to all!
H.

So I haven't been on here in quite a while to post anything. Not that anything new has really been happening. Casey and I started our new semester. It's been hard. It's been very intense and it's only been a month! But I love school. I know Casey does as well. I find my classes pretty interesting but I have to admit I feel as though I'm struggling. I still have good grades and I have no intention of letting them slip but I do feel like I'm stressed all the time. A little stress is good. This stress is making me wear out pretty fast.
It was the stress and a few other things that forced Casey and I to take a good look at our situation. We both love working, love going to school and both want out family to expand. There isn't a way for both of us to do all three. So we decided that after this semester I would go down to part time. I will take next semester off and the following spring I will only do one class to stay an active student at LCSC. Our hope is that by me taking time off school and just working we can focus on savings a bit more so by the end of the year we can actively pursue expanding our family.
On that note, it's going to be such a hard journey. I'm dreading it. I wish that nature would just work for us and solve the problem but that's not going to happen. Either we need a lot of medical help or adoption. And neither of those are guarantees either. We could very easily spend years and a lot of money and still never have children on this earth. It's depressing and overwhelming. And it makes me angry and I resent my body that doesn't work right.
Anyway, enough of that. I'm sorry to sound like a downer.
On the bright side our cat is having his first birthday on Wednesday. We got him a couple of silly gifts. Catnip bubbles and mouse toys. Hahaha. I will admit that a big part of me feels pathetic. I love out cat but he isn't my child and it's not a great substitute. But at least we have an official birthday for him to celebrate. :0)

Happy Happy!

I just realized I hadn't posted anything on here in a while. Happy new year to everyone!

~C

4 Years of Happiness

 

I cannot believe that I have been married to my best friend for 4 years now! What a journey so far! Nothing dramatic or amazing has really occurred but I think we have had a wonderful time of it with laughing, learning new things, and loving each other. We each have continued to grow as individuals but we've also been learning to grow together. It's been one of our goals from the moment we said yes in the temple.
We are both so content and happy at this time in our lives it's hard to imagine it getting better. But the crazy thing is, we both know it will!!!
I am so in love with my husband and so very grateful for his love and the fact he is in my life. He was worth finding for sure! I still can't believe he wanted to be with me but he did and I'll take it by golly!
Our Christmas season was wonderful. We spent Christmas Eve with Casey's parents and then Christmas with mine. I was so excited because my parents came up and stayed with us for the first time. (We finally have enough room for guests!) We had several good mellow days with them before they went home. I just wish they didn't have to go but those are the kicks of living so far away from loved ones. Someday maybe we will live in a happy medium between all our loved ones. We then spent New Years Eve at Casey's sisters house and watched a movie and ate a ton of good food! (All I've done the last 4 weeks is eat amazingly good food it seems!)
Casey and I were talking about resolutions this year and we really don't have any. We have goals we want to meet and lifestyle changes we need to make but I don't know that you can really call those resolutions. Maybe I don't want to call them that because I never keep my resolutions. Hahaha. Seriously though tomorrow begins a great overhaul of our lives. We have a lot to accomplish and they may not get done in one year alone but these are goals for the next few years.
To everyone who reads this good luck with your new years goals or whatever you will call them. Maybe later I will post some of my personal goals I need to work on. :0)