Avoidance or Acceptance

So many thoughts are running through my noggin right now. I always wonder who is reading this blog. I know a few friends and family members might take a peek at it every so often, but other than that I have no clue. So I ask myself, what is the point of posting certain things? How personal should my blog be? Am I making others uncomfortable with my topics, or should I just write in the moment and let it be an outlet for me like a journal. (Which I have been horrible at keeping up the last few months.) If I do ever make anyone uncomfortable I'm sorry. But I do feel the need to just lay something out there in the world. Who knows maybe someone will read it and think, oh my gosh! I feel the same way! I don't know.
I touched on a topic in my last post about my disappointment again this month. I lightly implied my heartbreak and hurt from it, but it's so much more than that. I often feel so isolated even though we know a few people who have struggled with fertility as well.
I'm so angry. I read somewhere that infertility causes you to go through the grief process every month. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. It's so true! I have been through each of these things, (though not always in order.) But this time I cannot stop being angry. I've lashed out at my husband, friends, family. I've avoided spending time with certain people because although I'm so joyous for them, I'm so angry for myself and it's ripping me apart. Have two opposite emotions tearing you this way and that is very uncomfortable. Everywhere I look there are this amazing stories of how so and so struggled for years and then BAM the miracle in their life!!! Woohoo! These stories give me such hope. But as bad as this sounds, I'm so tired of having hope. My sights are lifted up, I get this grand view and then each month it all plummets to the ground. And it's not a soft landing. There are jagged rocks, and mean cacti, and all manner of painful objects to hurt myself with. Then I get up and attempt at pushing forward again.
Yay me right? Wrong. I'm tired of it. I'm so so so tired of it. It hurts over and over and over again. I feel so incredibly alone with it. Others just don't understand. It's a loss. Real and painful. I've felt that hope of something to come, something delightful, new, scary, exciting, and beautiful. And I've felt it ripped away from me in a moment. A single moment when I know, it's all gone. Then all I can feel this mind numbing pain from the very center of me until it gushes out. There's no way to describe it.
I've had a lot of "advice." Relaxing is not my problem thank you very much. Adopting will not get me pregnant. By the way adopting is not an answer to infertility, it's an answer to being childless. Just thought I'd throw that one out there. Yes we pay our tithing and have faith. I understand it's on the Lords time. Ugh, sometimes the world just needs to hush up a bit.
I'm trying to be positive but I have a firm belief that sometimes (and mind you not ALWAYS) but sometimes a person just needs to wallow a bit. They need to grieve. And then I will move forward. I just know it can't be easy of people who have to deal with me month after month. Namely my husband.
But where do I go from here? I'm so exhausted from this ride of up and down, back and forth, doing this or that, counting days, marking my temp, buying products, searching the internet, planning doctors appointments....It sounds crazy just writing that. So what do I do? I'm a planner, a thinker, a goal setter. I have absolutely no control in this matter. I can do my part but that's it. I can't determine the outcome. And in plain words that really sucks.

I'm not sorry for posting this and sounding like a big selfish baby. I need to be that way right now. I wont be forever. I'll work on a positive attitude to have something happy to write soon, but right now I'm wallowing and avoiding reality. Then when that's over with, I can accept and move forward(?)...or at least somewhere.
Love
H.

Hearts Knit As One

Camp was over yesterday and I still feel like I need to planning and preparing for it. lol I think it went well. It was a learning experience that is for sure but a good one. I was grateful to get to know each other the girls better. I hope they got to know me a little bit more. There are a few things I would have done differently but for the most part it went okay. Thank goodness I had all the help I had!!! My local family really pitched in and I think I gave each of them a job to do that they fulfilled beautifully. Mom-L organized the meals for camp, Perry helped by giving me ideas of who to go to for such and such activity, and continually encouraged me when I would whine at work to him, Shannon baked for camp, my husband was our go to guy and astronomy person, Jess was my assistant and keeper of my sanity, and Dad-T came out to the campsite to help in various things! If any of you read this, THANK YOU A THOUSAND TIMES!
Today is Fathers Day. I think I caught a case of the tireds and worn outs. My stomach hasn't been terribly pleased with since yesterday morning either so those things combined made me decide to stay home from church. I'm sad to miss the meetings but I need some recovery time.

On a different level I'm slightly (and by slightly I mean heartbroken of course) discouraged. For the week of camp I was able to forget what week of the month it was, and when I got yesterday I realized that today I could take a pregnancy test and see if we would have a Father's Day miracle. It was negative. I guess my body is still a bit messed up from surgery to make me think I could take a test. I try my best to keep my chin up and press forward but it's hard at times to not want to curl up in a ball of bitter hurt and cry like a 3 year old. I just don't know what else to do. There's only so much I can calculate (i.e temperature, days of cycle so on so forth), so many products I can spend money on, so many times I can search the internet for some clue or hidden answer of something I'm not doing. It's exhausting. We have a few more medical things planned for early July but after that we are pretty much stuck. We're still saving for adoption, but honestly that process is going to take so long it doesn't feel real. To me it feels like saving to go on a trip to Peru. Yes we want to but it's so far out of reach that what's the point on focusing to hard on it. Perhaps I'm just bitter all around. I'm looking for a direct answer and it's not going to happen that way. It's just not. So we'll keep pressing forward and holding each other up. Although I have to admit Casey holds me up a lot more than I do him. I tend to fall apart more easily.

But enough of my pity party. I'm going to drink some sprite, eat a cracker or two and try to invite the spirit into my home this Sunday. With love to all!!!

:0)
H.

 

Our Young Womens Camp! Including the leaders!

 

Crazy group of gals!!!!

 

One of our wonderful and lovely Young Womens leaders Karrie. She was in charge of keeping me sane!

 

My amazing and beautiful sister in law Jess was my Assistant Camp Director. Could not have done it without her!

 

We saw so many flowers and critters on our hike!

 

A view from the top of the trail.

 

The girls on the last stretch until we were done.

 

Our beautiful Young Women after our service project. We painted part of the picnic area behind us. They worked really hard!

Going to Girls Camp

 

So early this year I was asked by our Bishopric to be the Young Womens Camp Director for our ward camp this year. I've only gone camping maybe a handful of times but I was excited by the chance, (even though I'm crazy intimidated!) Well that was in January and our first day of camp is tomorrow. One word....YIKES!
After months of thinking and planning and re-planning and stressing and re-re-re-planning it's finally here! Tonight I'm trying to focus on getting little last minute things done for the girls, and tomorrow morning will be the same. I just keep feeling like I'm missing something. I've checked my to do list about 8 kabillion times and I still worry that I forgot some key important thing that will be vital to the camping experience for the girls. I also worry that I may have overplanned and it will be a horrible planned cruise type atmophere for them, Or worse yet I worry that I don't have ENOUGH things for them to do and they will have to much free time and be bored out of thier minds. Theres just a lot to consider.
Thankfully we have some incredibly sweet and loving girls in our ward and I think they're forgive any shortcummings I may have. I'll be sure to post how camp goes. So until I get back, wish me luck and pray I don't run into any rattlesnakes please...(apparently they've been seen quite a bit lately. ugh!)

H.

THIF!!!! (Thank Heavens It's Friday!)

 

Another week has ended at work, thank heavens! It's not like we had a difficult or even bad week. As a matter of fact I only worked a couple of half days, and I had to take a sick day this week, so my week was crazy short. Today however seemed to last forever. I didn't get completely done with my work for the day before I had to clock out but I think I'll be okay Monday. A little elbow greese and motiviation is all I need. Although I must say getting a paycheck is motivation enough some days! lol
I blame it on the fact that it's Friday today that my brain is slightly warped. I had been printing for a couple hours when I started to notice shapes in the ink and started making up little stories in my head. The picture I posted was an image that a coworker, my husband, and I all decided was an evil witch fighting some kind of bear animal and winning. Bizzare I know but you do what you can some days to pass the time.
This weekend isn't going to be to eventful but I will be more than willing to pass it in a lazy manner. Except for the chance of a hike tomorrow, (unless it rains...agian...which it more than likely will...) Things are rolling right along in work, school and church. I have a new church calling that I'm very excited for in Young Womens. I love working with the girls and getting to know each of them better. I find that it really helps me to remember that I am a Daughter of God and that I have a lot to offer the world. It's really hard to stand up there and tell them that if you don't believe it yourself. So I'm working a bit on realizing my self worth and growing. I've been doing rather well I'd say at keeping my positive outlook going even with a few setbacks. I feel I'm on a roll and even though things aren't perfect they are far from NOT perfect. :0)
Maybe the image in the ink wasn't an evil witch fighting...maybe it was a slightly frazzeled lady (like me) conquering a big ol scary challenge. (And winning too!)
Love to all!
Heather

Evil Squirrels....

 
I am a squirrel...I am evil and will attempt to eat all your pumpkin seeds. Muwhahahahahaha!

It's a MIRACLE!!!!!

I am super crazy excited! Today I discovered a blossom on my strawberry plant! Three more to come! My other plants are shooting up and up and up and I'm worried I may have to transplant them into bigger containers, but the miracle of the day is I discovered the squirrels missed about 4 seeds and now I have a few little pumpkin spouts trying their best to stay alive! I'm rather estatic because that means not only do I get the chance to cultivate and grow my own food, (although the amount will be rather small) it means the squirrels have lost! Hahahaha! Not so great at foraging now are ya you little bushy tailed creeps! Take that! :0)
My strawberry blossom!

 

My adorable fuzzy pumpkin sprout!

 

My mini tomato plants! Wow they've grown like crazy in the last couple of weeks!