Look into my eyes....

So after seeing the plastic surgeon the other day I have a much better understanding of eyes and what is wrong with mine. I probably always had a droopy eyelid but thanks to a car wreck and the subsequent head injury that followed my eye is even worse. I took this before picture so that I can look back and remember how BAD my eye truly was.
The muscle in my eyelid is stretched and the doctor hopes to stitch it together in three points above my eye to bring it up to where it needs to be. You see how it basically covers the very center of my eye? Well that's bad. I am visually impaired on that eye by almost 50! Talk about a blind spot! My other eye has a droop to but it's not as severe although it still qualifies for surgery. That will take place after my right eye heals and all that fun stuff. Which means about 3 weeks of pure boredom. No reading, no tv, no computer, no craziness. I'm sure it wont be as bad as it sounds and my mom said she might even be able to come and visit so that would be nice.
I'm very excited to have it done. My eye is not only an impairment to my daily life, but a HUGE insecurity. Ever picture taken, or comment made of "are you tired?" or even loved ones saying, "wow, you're eye looks bad!" to strangers pointing out my "weird ugly eye and lets pray my children don't look like me!" (okay that last one was a mean woman who I provoked because her kid was obnoxious...but still, ouch! lol)
I joke about my "weird eye." I've hid behind glasses the last couple of years not only because I can't see anything but because it hides the droop better. But I miss sunglasses. I miss putting on my makeup and feeling satisfied with the result and NOT needing to cover it up with glasses. I miss feeling like I look normal. So although this surgery is for medical reasons, I'm grateful also to indulge my vanity just a little bit and feel better about myself. I would be a complete liar if I said that didn't matter to me. My only wish was I had been able to do it sooner. I think of my wedding pictures or any pictures really since my amazing husband came into my life. I think of how I try to turn or hide it or how awful I feel after seeing a picture where Case looks awesome and I look like a goober. We all can find things that work against us genetically without adding something on top of it.
There are fears too. Blindness. Still looking like me. Training my eye to adapt to all the light and what not. Will it be painful? Common normal fears. But mostly I'm just ready for it to happen.
So come on insurance and send me my happy papers and lets make this a go!

Can I do it?....

My weight loss story so far has not been one of success. Why? Because I'm a lazy, unmotivated, emotional eating fool! lol Seriously though I have impeded myself time and time again. I feel horrible about my body, I feel awful about my lack of physical health, and I really truly want to feel happy from the inside out. Right now I don't.
So what do you do when vanity or health isn't enough to motivate you? Where do you turn when you just want to crawl in a hole and hope everyone else around you gets fat too so you can justify the way things are? My answer...I have no freaking clue!

Sometimes I get a light bulb moment and I hope this one stays lit. I've always known I'm an emotional eater. But I don't exactly know why. I also know I have a terrible relationship with food that stems back to when I started to grow and change into a "woman" and the ripe old age of 10. It's a love/hate relationship for sure. I've always loved to eat and indulge, and I always hate myself afterwards.
So this is the next part of my weight loss journey I guess. Not just simply trying to lose weight but breaking down the inside walls that caused it to be there in the first place.
My worry is can I do it? Or will I let this fizzle out like so many other goals. Will I care for a week and a half and then become dissatisfied with the results or lack thereof? I really hope I can, I need it so bad.

Personal Values

This month we are having our New Beginings program for Young Womens. My part of the program is to talk about personal progress. I have no clue what I'm going to say although I have a few things bouncing around in my noggin. While thinking of my part in this program I have started to think of the different values that the young women are encouraged to develop and understand. Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, Integrity, and Virtue. I have begun to ask myself if I attempt to develop or understand these virtues or do I let them slide like so many other traits I need to work on.
I'm doing well in some areas, others not so much. I wont bore anyone with a breakdown of my lacking or my accomplishments. I just wanted to reflect a little bit.
I am grateful however to be a part of the young womens presidency. At times I am frustrated with my calling and even those I serve with, but and the end of the day I am grateful for what it teaches me and pushes me to do. I have to be more organized, have more patience and good humor, as well as charity in my heart. Not to mention it is a constant reminder of my worth as a daughter of God. That never changes with age. I will always be His daughter.
This affirmation in my heart is such a comfort. It's not always easy to hold onto but I am thankful that it is there. It is my hope and prayer that anyone who might read this will also begin to understand his/her potential because of their individual worth. I'm not saying that each day I wake up and look in the mirror and think I'm wonderful. Quite the opposite really, but I do think the more I remind myself that I am a child of God literally, it gets a little easier to go through the darker days. I have no clue what my purpose is on this planet, but it helps to think that I do have one. Even if it's just to develop myself and love others along the way. It's something I have to hold onto, otherwise I go to a very sad place.
Well, now I'm trying to gain some motivation. I have some minor chores to do and I want to finally go to the gym and break in that goal of getting healthy. If for any miraculous reason I do get pregnant I at least want to have established a healthy pattern beforehand. I don't know if I'm going to lose any weight but meh, I'll give it a go. lol
Love
H.