13th Article of Faith

I have been home sick with my poor husband all day. He's worse off then me but I am grateful for those who hold the priesthood who came to give us both blessings of comfort and for sickness.
Other than coughing and hacking all day and trying to rest, as well as baby Casey I've had a chance to straiten up my home a bit and ground myself again to reality.
I have been a selfish brat lately. I have disregarded others feelings because I have only been focusing on my "have-nots." I've been focusing on my lack of health in several areas, my fear of surgery, my constant questioning about our family expanding.
Instead of channeling these fears and doubts to be constructive, I gave into them. I cried often in pain and distress and anger, but I refused to be consoled by my husband or worse the Lord. I felt my heart harden. I felt it become rock-like in my chest and I wanted it to be that way. In my mind it was easier to do that then to hope for something and be heartbroken once again. But then I realized something today as Casey and I were laying on the couch all doped up from medicine, a soft heart doesn't easily break. It absorbs. Wear as a rock hard heart can be chipped and can have ragged edges. A soft heart might feel the pain but it can also feel the tender caress of love trying to heal it. A rock hard heart feels nothing but heavy emptiness.
I needed to soften my heart.
This week will be hard. Not only do I have my first eye appointment but I have a bug that has kicked me to the ground it seems. And on top of all that I'm waiting for an answer to a prayer. It's my greatest prayer. And I want it to happen so badly my whole being hurts. And the sad truth is, I don't think it did.
So I was letting my mind wander while hanging out online and something led me to think of the 13th Article of Faith, or at least part of it. It's also our youth theme this year. The part of it I thought of was: "Indeed we may say we follow the admonition of Paul. We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things."
I believe that this popped into my head as an answer to a different prayer that was intended to soften my heart. I have to have hope. And even when things are hard, I have to endure.
So that's my message this go around and I hope to not only say it but to live it. Have hope and endure. :0)
Love,
Heather

A bit deflated....

So for the past two weeks I have been have monster headaches. They finally got so bad that I couldn't get out of bed and go to school. Light hurts, sound hurts, and my right eye just feels awful! I could tell both my eyes were very strained. It's happened before but not ever this painful. And it hasn't gone away yet.
About 6 years ago I was in a car accident and smashed up my right eye. They eyelid has nerve damage and it can't open properly anymore so it gets weak and shuts easily. Then my left eye gets strained because it's doing all the work for two eyes.
I went to the eye doctor right after the accident but he had hopes that it would improve over time. It hasn't. I went to the doctor again a couple years ago for a prescription renewal and he referred me to a specialist that could do surgery to fix my eye. I haven't gotten that surgery yet because of money, other surgeries, and fear. Sure gut me like a fish but I'm scared to death of anyone messing around my face! I've had two major car accidents that have slightly altered my appearance, I have a genuine paranoia of not looking like myself! Anyway, it all has come to a head this last few weeks. I need to have the surgery and soon. My eye doctor is concerned that the longer I put it of the weaker my right eye will get and the greater the chance of my brain shutting it down and me going blind in one eye.
So that brings me to today...such a crappy crappy day. I had to withdraw from school today because I'm not sure when the surgery will be yet or how much recovery it will take. I'm not supposed to read (or get on the computer but I thought I'd do this an make it fast. I needed to vent.) I need to let my eyes rest. School does NOT let your eyes rest. So I had to withdraw.
I feel completely deflated and defeated. I know I can go back, and I know I had intended on taking next semester off anyway but still. I love(d) school. It was getting hard sure but I still loved my classes, the feeling of accomplishment, and the encouragement I felt from those around me. I feel like it's all been ripped away. I would cry right now if it wasn't so stinking painful! I'm just so mad. I'm mad at myself, I'm mad at the past, I'm mad at how things just don't work out sometimes. It sucks.

On a happy note my sweet boy Blitzen is 1 year old today. He's been such a cuddly sweetheart today, I think he knows it's his special day.
Well my eyes are watering like crazy. Computer screens no good for bad eyes.
Love to all!
H.

So I haven't been on here in quite a while to post anything. Not that anything new has really been happening. Casey and I started our new semester. It's been hard. It's been very intense and it's only been a month! But I love school. I know Casey does as well. I find my classes pretty interesting but I have to admit I feel as though I'm struggling. I still have good grades and I have no intention of letting them slip but I do feel like I'm stressed all the time. A little stress is good. This stress is making me wear out pretty fast.
It was the stress and a few other things that forced Casey and I to take a good look at our situation. We both love working, love going to school and both want out family to expand. There isn't a way for both of us to do all three. So we decided that after this semester I would go down to part time. I will take next semester off and the following spring I will only do one class to stay an active student at LCSC. Our hope is that by me taking time off school and just working we can focus on savings a bit more so by the end of the year we can actively pursue expanding our family.
On that note, it's going to be such a hard journey. I'm dreading it. I wish that nature would just work for us and solve the problem but that's not going to happen. Either we need a lot of medical help or adoption. And neither of those are guarantees either. We could very easily spend years and a lot of money and still never have children on this earth. It's depressing and overwhelming. And it makes me angry and I resent my body that doesn't work right.
Anyway, enough of that. I'm sorry to sound like a downer.
On the bright side our cat is having his first birthday on Wednesday. We got him a couple of silly gifts. Catnip bubbles and mouse toys. Hahaha. I will admit that a big part of me feels pathetic. I love out cat but he isn't my child and it's not a great substitute. But at least we have an official birthday for him to celebrate. :0)