Purging the Past with Fire

With each new year I make some form of resolution that I inevitably don't keep. Sound familiar???? I know I'm not the only one. In fact Casey pointed out that he didn't even want to try to make a resolution just for that fact alone. 

So instead we came up with a motto for 2013. 

TAKE BETTER CARE

It's a blanket statement, but a helpful one. Whether it is our finances, our health, or spiritual growth we can pause and say lets Take Better Care and from there regain our priorities. We both have the tendency to live in the moment and that isn't always the wisest or healthiest course of action.

We went to visit my family a little while back and my parents urged/begged me to clear some of my clutter out of their shed. So being the obedient child I am I did just that....And also somehow ended up with a lot of my brothers treasured crap as well. lol Anything of value will be returned to him someday. In part of my TBC motto I have been attempting to "gut" my house if you will of unnecessary things. I wouldn't part with anything of value either monetary or sentimentally, but it just feel good to purge things that are just piling up for no reason.  While going through boxes I found two that had so many pictures, letters, and cards that I literally went through each one to determine what I cared to save and what was really just trash. It may sound callous to anyone who comes from my family of "near hoarders" but I don't see the reason to hang on to EVERY LITTLE WRITTEN NOTE OR IMAGE!!!!

I did make a nice little pile of letters and pictures that I know I can't part with. They are almost a journal of some events in my life. Like certain letters from when I was in basic training. There is such an outpouring of love and strength within them I can't part with them. I'm not sure what to do with them yet, but I know I will continue to treasure them.

Just a few of the loving wishes sent to support and push me forward.

I did find however there were other letters and cards and pictures that were just to painful for me to recount. They brought up memories I'm not likely to ever forget so there was no reason to hang on to them. Honestly the memories bring up more poison in my heart than a learned lesson. I read somewhere about writing down all your mistakes and burning them and walking away with a lifted burden from your heart. I thought to myself as I looked at pictures of my first wedding to Corey, or letters I received while in the hospital because I attempted suicide, cards from family members telling me maybe someday my father would speak to me again I just needed to be patient and know how much my actions disappointing my family, and all I felt was pain. I have learned from some of the mistakes/pain I have suffered by my own action as well as others. Through repentance and the Atonement I can honestly say I know the Lord loves me regardless of my past. And yet when I think on those times, and as I saw evidence of their existence all I could think was how it still had a hold on me. Over 10 years later and my actions still cause me to grieve. So I thought, alright Heather, time to move forward. Time to let go. So I burned them.

Every letter, picture, document, card, tangible memory of my past that haunts my heart. 

I know that by this action I'm not fully free of those memories. But it's one step closer to being further away. Does that make sense? I will always struggle with my faults. It's part of my nature. And as my amazing husband points out so often I am harder on myself then anyone he has ever met. But I felt a sense of satisfaction watching those items burn. I wish I could purge like that everything that feels unpleasant, but that's a little psychotic even for me. lol 

After the flames died down I poured some planting soil over top and stirred it. I think finished with bit of water and added plant food. I hope to plant some pretty flowers that will help me remember my efforts today, dramatic as they may be.

A place where something beautiful can grow out of painful memories.

It has been a glorious day to do this. I'm happy I did this. I'm grateful for the amazingly simple and happy things of my past that help me to focus. Once I was done literally the sun came out from behind the cloud it was hiding behind and warmed my face. It was kind of a perfect moment. I'm happy to be able to save this memory here.

A perfect end to the purging process.

As all of us move forward in this year I hope that we each Take Better Care; of our families, friendships, health, spirit, mind, finances, homes, children, lives, whatever needs it. 

 I have regrets. I don't know a person who doesn't on some level. I won't forget my mistakes, it would be wrong to not acknowledge them because they have brought me to where I am today. But they don't have to be painful either. I desire to move forward in my life and recognize those things ahead of me. I think that is a better way to Take Better Care of myself at this time. 

Love,

H

 Your past is not your potential. In any hour you can choose to liberate the future.   Ferguson, Marilyn